Jokes 401 - 500 Links to jokes on this page: The Top 15 Signs American Students are Lacking Math and Science Skills Todays Top Stories, part 8 - Star Trek 23: So Very Tired Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men The Top 15 Signs You Have Nothing to Do at Work One Families Traditional Christmas Gift Travel tips Looking for the gravy ladle Todays Top Stories, part 9 - Revenge of the Nerds IV: Bill Gates' Revenge The Top 15 Rejected Christmas Toy Ideas Todays Top Stories, part X - Babe II : Bacon and Pork Rinds for all! where is my "numbers report" Scientific facts to know and share wife 1.0 The Top 17 Super Powers of Supermodels Todays Top Stories, part XI - Terminator 3: Laundry Day Neiman Marcus Cookies - revisited Neiman Marcus Cookies - revisited, yet again The Secret Behind Blue Ice Cream Children and church Top 10 ways _not_ to tell people about Jesus Casket Humor The Top 15 Signs the Guy Who Plays Barney is Ready to Retire Top 10 Reasons why Virtual Reality is Better than Reality Borg Barbie Casket Humor (Revisited) Dr. Seuss Pick Up Lines Todays Top Stories, part XII - Attack of the Roman Numerals! Why God can't get tenure God comes to Washington DC Is there a Santa Claus? Distributed Santa Diversity Training and Jesus More 'Deep Thoughts..........' The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You Todays Top Stories, part XIII - Home Alone 3:Kevin Sues His Parents The Top Ten Ways to Get Fired Bipartisan Christmas Tale The Top 15 Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa Bumper Stickers Humor II Bumper sticker humor III Mary Poppins pun Explanation of Stupidity POLITICALLY CORRECT TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS Holiday Diet Schedule No Cheerio's for me, thanks! How to Argue and Win Every Time The Top 16 Signs Your Grandmother May be a Serial Killer Politically Correct Santa If Lawyers wrote Christmas Tidings... The Top 10 Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage The Twenty Third Pound Pinpoint Marketing You Know You're Too Stressed If... A cat's Christmas Making Puppies Making Puppies Too When you're just too stressed to take any more.... The Top 16 Least-Known Urban Legends Stupid Park Questions The Top 12 Signs You Should Have Bought Flood Insurance Todays Top Stories, part XIV - Dragonslayer 2: The Uneccesary Wheeling Gaunt Small world! The Top 16 Signs Christmas Has Become Too Commercial Todays Top Stories, part XV - The Keg Parties of Madison County Southern Words Todays Top Stories, part XVI - Rambo 4: Tickle-Me-and-Die! The Top 16 Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy The Conductor The Top 12 Failed Nostradamus Predictions for 1996 Worst analogies ever! Good Times virus, Version 2.0 A Compiler With A Sense of Humor Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch Todays Top Stories, part XVII - Beavis and Butthead Make Millions Some of the stupidest quotes Twelve Bugs of Christmas HMO's For Dummies The Twelve Days of Christmas from the Florida Gators Installation Art - Germany The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets MicroDuh!! Pain threshold Bill of No Rights Male humor The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law - Part 1 Doctor, doctor David Letterman's Lines of the Week: Monday, December 30 - Friday, January 3 Hebonics Happy Birthday!!! The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law - Part 2 Todays Top Stories, part XVIII - Evita 2: Velvita! Fun things to do in the office Entrance Exam Essay Question Baby Humor Dog Comparisons English is a crazy language Redneck Computer Lingo Everything I need to know I learned in Corporate America ... French limerick Geekonics Subject: The Top 15 Signs American Students are Lacking Math and Science Skills 15> Typical science student thinks the Energizer Bunny disproves that "conservation of energy" theory. 14> They think "Bill Nye the Science Guy" is a grunge band. 13> Hilarious "Top 5" list by purported high school graduate always has 12 or more entries. 12> One, they can't count. Three, they can't add. 11> And the number 3 sign that American Students Are Lacking Math and Science Skills... 10> Ranks of chemists thinned by constant mistaking of H2SO4 for H2O. 9> Hey, it's tough counting the number of beers in a six pack. 8> If they can't find a Number 2 pencil for a test, they bring half of a Number 3. 7> Most students can't locate the earth on a globe. 6> Science Fair project demonstrates Space Shuttle fuel consumption using bottle of Tequila & lemon wedges. 5> "Algorithm" may sound like liquored-up Vice President bustin' a move, but it's not. 4> Your child consistently confuses "Pi-R-Squared" with "Pizza Pizza." 3> Then: Intricate handmade bombs with precise triggering mechanisms. Now: Ryder truck filled with cow manure. 2> Actually, six out of five math teachers say there's no problem whatsoever. And the Number 1 Sign American Students are Lacking Math and Science Skills... 1> "5 + 3 equals... Hey! 'Melrose' is on!" Subject: Todays Top Stories, part 8 - Star Trek 23: So Very Tired >>>Double Bad Luck - Falling From the Sky Source: Reuter BOGOTA, Colombia (11-25) -- It was enough bad luck when the helicopter that Louis Eduardo Iglesias was piloting crashed into the mountains of Southwest Colombia. Iglesias was rescued by an army helicopter. His bad luck continued when he fell out of the rescue helicopter, and landed onto the mountainside covered in dense vegetation. Despite intense efforts by the rescuers, Iglesias was not located and is presumed dead. >>>Snoring on the Job Source: LA Times HUNGTINGTON BEACH, California (11-27) -- Juan Tamalatxe, 38, broke into a woman's apartment and apparently took refuge under the bed when he heard someone coming. The tenants, Mora Kai Lane and her son, returned home and watched television for two hours before the woman heard a noise coming from the bedroom. The woman called police. "We arrived a few minutes later," Lt. Dan Johnson said, "and found (Tamalatxe) sound asleep under the bed." The suspect was being held in lieu of $10,000 bail. Subject: Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men The Big Five: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of ' Married With Children' , who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange: "Dear, what would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset. Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" "No, of course not, dear." "Don't you like being married?" "Of course I do, dear." "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright, I'd remarry." "You would?" (Woman looks vaguely hurt at this point.) "Yes" "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" "Well yes, I suppose I would." (Indignintly) "I see. And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to." "Really. And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so? And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too?!!?" "Of course not, dear. She's left-handed." Subject: The Top 15 Signs You Have Nothing to Do at Work 15> You find yourself looking forward to your next random drug test. 14> You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 1997. 13> The only activity on your calendar? Tuesday/8:00am -- Discuss Melrose Place at the water cooler. 12> You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces image of Elvis. 11> You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that island. 10> You decide to see how many Mountain Dew's you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 9> Wake up, fix Tipper her breakfast and kiss her goodbye, then back to bed. 8> Over 200 alphabetical, notated, and cross-indexed submissions to today's Top Five List. 7> People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 6> Your employer lets you listen in on his calls from the president. 5> You *knew* that guy who hired you to find his wife's killer looked familiar. 4> No longer content with merely photo-copying your $#@!, you now scan it and enhance it with Photoshop. 3> After months of taking frequent breaks, you now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarves. 2> Your title? Hooters Employee Continuing Education Coordinator. and the Number 1 Sign You Have Nothing to Do at Work... 1> The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish. Subject: One Families Traditional Christmas Gift This beats the stories of the same fruitcake(s) being given back and forth for years... Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel. The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch. Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville. Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. Subject: Travel tips Here's something they leave out of the travel brochures. It seems the state of Wisconsin has a program where one of their employees will monitor your vehicular velocity/time ratio and inform you of any discrepencies. One of the state's representatives informed my brother the other evening that in fact his truck *can* do 77 in a 65 on US41. He thanked the officer for the info, which the officer had meticulously documented for him, and went on his way. And all that for only a measly $141.50 :( Subject: Looking for the gravy ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper. After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle." Subject: Todays Top Stories, part 9 - Revenge of the Nerds IV: Bill Gates' Revenge ALLAN FUNT, PRIVATE EYE: Armored car guard Perry Hollie, 26, reported to police that as he was getting out of his van at a Michigan National Bank branch in Dearborn, a man pointed a gun at his partner, Matthew Girardin, 29, and fired. Hollie said he escaped to a nearby restaurant for help; when he returned to the van, Girardin was dead and more than $1 million in cash was gone. "He told us at the beginning what appeared to be a credible story of an ambush," a police spokesman said. But they discovered that a security camera installed in the bank's automatic teller machine tells a different story: it allegedly shows Hollie committing the crime and an accomplice helping to unload the money. Hollie is being held without bail on murder and weapons charges, and police are searching for the money and accomplice. (AP) TWO THUMBS DOWN: Seven hundred Chinese college students in Hefei, Anhui province, who paid to see a "sex education film for newlyweds" destroyed the theater where it was shown because the film's "wedding night footage" was not as "stimulating" as advertised. Meanwhile, the first official university-level course in sex education in China is being offered to 100 students at the Beijing Capital Normal University. Surveys have shown that many Chinese youths are sexually active, but a significant percentage of them do not even understand that it can lead to pregnancy. (Reuter, AP) HAMBURGLAR: Chanda O'Neal, the manager of a McDonald's fast food restaurant in Kansas City, Mo., testified that the man who robbed the restaurant while holding a 12-inch knife to her throat was wearing a disguise. However, she said, she recognized the robber's build, voice, and, especially, his "pungent combination" of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne -- the robber, she said, was one of her employees, Larry McCrary. "This case smells," complained McCrary's lawyer to the jury in closing arguments, but they found McCrary guilty of robbery and "armed criminal action". He faces 10 years in prison for the $100 heist. (UPI) CASTAWAY: Raymond Keyes was fishing two miles off the coast of New York City when he spotted Robert Slutsky bobbing in the waves. Keyes couldn't lift the 300-pound Slutsky out of the water, so he called for help from the Coast Guard. Upon rescue, "they asked him how he got out there, and he had no idea," a Coast Guard spokesman said. Slutsky's weight probably saved him, the Coast Guard added, by providing buoyancy and insulation. "In water that cold, most people would have suffered from severe hypothermia," the spokesman said. "He wasn't wearing a floatation device, and there was no sign of a boat." (UPI) WEAPONS 'R' US: A 60-year-old man in Kosianka Trojanowka, Poland, was very afraid of burglars. Police say he was killed by a booby trap he installed in his garage as a security device. A demolition squad dispatched to the house found eight other hidden, deadly traps. "The police explosives experts said later they felt as if they were crossing a minefield," a police spokesman said. Meanwhile, U.N. police in Sarajevo say that a Serb couple having an argument got a bit carried away. When the woman ran out of the house to a neighbor's, "the husband followed her with a bazooka," a U.N. spokesman reports. "He then tried to fire the bazooka at his wife, missed, and hit his house, causing damage." The man was arrested by Serbian police on charges of disturbing the peace and possession of an illegal firearm. (Reuter, 2) Subject: The Top 15 Rejected Christmas Toy Ideas 15> Box O' Nails! (Now with glass!) 14> Sit 'n Spin Rotisserie 13> The Junior Daredevil loosely-assembled bicycle 12> Marge Schott's Real American Super See 'n' Say 11> Lincoln's Logs (Learn about the digestive system *and* our 16th President!) 10> The Drunken Daddy playset (with a six-pack of "beer" and a stained undershirt) 9> Larry King action figure 8> The Kurt Cobain model Daisy Air Rifle 7> Radio Shack High Voltage Experiment Center 6> Uno Bomber Action Card Game 5> Drill Sgt. Larry, with lifelike PantsDrop(tm) action 4> The Waiting For Godot Action Playset 3> My First Breathalizer 2> Fondle Me Jacko And the Number 1 Rejected Christmas Toy Idea... 1> "Poke-Your-Eye-Out Stick" by Whammo Subject: Todays Top Stories, part X - Babe II : Bacon and Pork Rinds for all! "World's Dumbest Mugger Apologizes to Crime Boss" NEW YORK -- A man who snatched a wallet from the mother of reputed Genovese crime boss Vincent Gigante was hoping everybody would forgive and forget on Monday. Willie King, 37, was sentenced to 1-1/2 to three years in prison for grabbing the wallet of 94-year-old Yolanda Gigante as she walked with another son, the Rev. Louis Gigante, last month. "My client wishes to express great remorse," King's lawyer Steven Wershaw said. "He's admitted his guilt at the earliest opportunity because he wants to put this incident behind him, and he hopes the Gigante family will, too," Wershaw said. King grabbed the wallet from the woman's house coat as she walked on a street in Greenwich Village. He was caught a few blocks away, and the city's tabloids quickly dubbed him "The World's Dumbest Mugger." ____________________________________________________________________ BALITMORE, Maryland, Oct 9, 1996 (Reuters) -- Two TV cops had a chance to make a real-life bust when a shoplifter bolted onto a scene of "Homicide: Life on the Street" in Baltimore. The thief, who had taken about $100 worth of film from a drug store, thought he had stumbled into real cops when he saw actors holding prop guns and standing over a "murder victim." He muttered, "Oh, no," and figured he'd been caught. One of the actors' bodyguards grabbed the thief until real cops working security around the scene arrived. "The Screen Actors Guild bylaws say I don't have to arrest anyone," joked Richard Belzer, who plays Detective Munch. "If he's convicted," said Clark Johnson, the show's 'Detective Lewis,' "the judge should drop the theft charge and send him away for being stupid." ___________________________________________________________________ LAKEWOOD, Colo., Oct. 16 (UPI) -- Two officers shot and killed a suspected robber who doused them with chemical spray as he fled a King Soopers market with a bag of money, police said Wednesday. Moments earlier the suspect sprayed two employees and bound them with plastic flexi-cuffs before grabbing an undisclosed amount of cash and running to an emergency exit, said Lyn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for police in the Denver suburb of Lakewood. "He came face-to-face with a police officer," said Kimbrough. "What the officer saw was the suspect's hand coming up, then (he felt) a pain in his face. He thought he'd been shot. He fired two shots from his handgun." Inside another officer saw the suspect's hand raise and heard shots, which made him think his partner had been shot, so he fired one round from his shotgun, she said. The suspect, an unidentified man in his thirties, died just outside the exit, she said. The officers, a sergeant with 11 years and a 23-year veteran patrolman, are on administrative leave. ____________________________________________________________________ A Pisgat Ze'ev (a northern neighborhood of Jerusalem) resident discovered one morning last week that his car had been stolen. He immediately called his car's cellular phone. The person who answered told him he would trade the car for NIS 4000 [about $1300]. The man agreed and arranged a time and place for the exchange. The Jerusalemite went directly to the police who sent a detective to the exchange. He arrested the three men in the car. ____________________________________________________________________ Excerpted from the Guardian Newspaper (London), sometime in 1995 A gang decided to rob a security van, and they planned it down to the minutest detail. They knew that it picked up a large amount cash at a shop at a certain time every week. They planned that one of them was to threaten the security staff with a shotgun whilst the others swooped. To give the shooter the element of surprise they dressed him as a woman pushing a buggy complete with doll with the shotgun under the blankets. Unfortunately the shooter's approach to the van took him past a building site. The builders spying this tall willowy woman with eye-popping bosom and long blonde hair started wolf-whistling and cat-calling. The shooter was so incensed by this slur on his manhood that he started pulling out the shotgun to silence them. On seeing this, the rest of the gang tried to restrain him, and there ensued a fight for possession of the gun -- in full view of the scattering builders. The security guards promptly fled in their van. With the cash, of course. ____________________________________________________________________ In Tampa, FL, a man ordered a pizza from Domino's to his house. When the pizza arrived, he robbed the delivery guy. When police arrived later, the man was sitting in his living room eating the pizza. ____________________________________________________________________ This lovely young future leader is actually responsible enough to get a real job, at Burger King. On the way home from work one day, he stops off to sell some marijuana. To undercover police officers. While still wearing his uniform. Complete with name tag. ____________________________________________________________________ I no longer have the news clipping, but one character that I dealt with got drunk, and held up a bar. I forget why he returned, but the patrons this time noticed that his Uzi was a plastic toy. The police arrived in time to rescue him, but he had been stabbed about 20 times. ____________________________________________________________________ A friend of mine was a teller supervisor at an S&L in San Diego. One day they were robbed by a not particularly bright character, wearing a 49ers jacket. His getaway involved a beeline to the nearest mall, where he cleverly bought new clothing so that he wouldn't be noticed -- a 49ers T-shirt, over which he again wore the jacket. Content in his disguise, he went to the pizza place in the mall, where he was happily gorging himself when the police arrived. Realizing that they were there for him, he quickly told them, "Your money is in this pocket. The money in the other pocket is mine." Having apprehended him, the police brought the teller to the scene for identification. Before anyone could say anything, Bright Boy announced, "Yep, she's the one I robbed." ____________________________________________________________________ Another attorney related a tale to me of having represented a couple of geniuses (geniui?) in federal court in San Diego. As the two left the building, they drove around for several blocks, and found a likely place to light up and celebrate. It was the back entrance to the courthouse.... Subject: where is my "numbers report" This once was a true story. A user (we'll call him Sam) called up very irate one day, demanding to know where a missing report was. Sam had been calling around all day trying to get an answer before being referred to technical support. SAM: Where is my *numbers* report!? TS: Im sorry sir, what report is that? SAM: My numbers report that I get every Monday. Ive been getting this report every Monday for the last three months, and now I haven't gotten one for two weeks in a row! TS: OK. Is there a report number? A report title? Can you tell me what information is on the report to help me identify it? SAM: Gosh, let me find it, hold on. Oh, here it is. It says MVS Abend Dump - Abend code SOC7 at address 00CE07F2. TS: (incredulous) And you've been getting this report every week for at least three months. SAM: Yes, until last Monday. TS: And what is it you do with this report over there? SAM: I dunno, I just file the reports in the library. TS: (putting him on) Do you know who ordered the report sir? I'm having trouble locating it in our report distribution database. SAM: Well there you go! Maybe that's the problem! You don't even have it in your computer? No wonder we don't get it anymore. TS: (pushing it) Maybe if you could tell me who authorized the report in the first place, I can track manually through the records to find out what happened. SAM: (sheepishly) No, we don't keep track of that anywhere. Users order reports through their own departments. Reports just show up here and we file them until somebody comes and asks for one. TS: OK sir. I'll do what I can to track down this report for you, and get back to you ASAP. Thank you, have a nice day. SAM: OK, thanks, bye. Yes, Its sad but true. Not only did an actual weekly production report job start abending for three months before someone noticed and fixed it, but the distribution department dutifully boxed up the 30,000 line core dump listing and FedExed it to the customer every week, and the customer was filing the report in their report library without even knowing what it was or who used it. To make matters worse, the supposed user of the real report did not even notice that this weekly report was missing for three months before he contacted Sam (the librarian) who called in to get the real report reprinted for the missing three months. Sam never called back to find out what happened to the missing report. We were ready to tell him that the user had cancelled. Subject: Scientific facts to know and share Forwarding from the UT Computer Science Bulletin Here are some more "scientific" facts by kids. Material accumulated by teachers. - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. Subject: wife 1.0 Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcomming GirlFriend4.0... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) - "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it) I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Subject: The Top 17 Super Powers of Supermodels 17> Ultra Power Purge: The ability to launch previous meal with superhuman force. 16> Ability to shake exactly three cornflakes out of the box. 15> Able to earn money faster than even Burt Reynolds could spend it. 14> Can slip arms between window and weatherstripping of locked car doors. 13> Anti-gravity breasts eliminate need for assistance from WonderBra. 12> CerebraVacusation: Ability to suck the intelligence out of any room. 11> AnnaVi$ion: The ability to spot an elderly millionaire from miles away. 10> Ability to get a table in exclusive restaurants, unbound by space and time. 9> Schifferama: Ability to withstand SuperDorkiness (David Copperfield, Rick Ocasek, etc.) 8> Super Turbo PowerPout of Death 7> The ability to define Gestalt psychology as affirming that the response of an organism is a complete and unalyzable whole rather than a sum of the responses to specific elements of the situation. 6> Multicoverisity: Can appear in several locations at once -- even in the same Supermarket! 5> Power of heaving breasts exceeded only by power of heaving meals. 4> Can crack sophisticated spy code using only a Clinique skin-type computer and a tube of Maybelline Dial-a-Lash mascara. 3> Waif-Power: Ability to toss hair all day long on the energy of two lettuce leaves and a Fresca. 2> Cold response to pickup line can actually wither a man's privates. And the Number 1 Super Power of Supermodels... 1> Can employ entire pre-teen population of Guatemala with a single K-Mart clothing line. Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XI - Terminator 3: Laundry Day >>Chinese Woman Swallows Too Much BEIJING, (11-14) -- A Chinese woman had a brilliant idea to scam a hospital out of a few thousands dollars. Following a gallbladder surgery, the woman swallowed a surgical swab and tried to place the blame on the surgeons. The hospital refused to offer her monetary compensation claiming it is medically impossible for a swab to travel from her gallbladder to her stomach. After several failed attempts to sue the hospital, the woman had to spend a few thousands yuan (hundreds of dollars) for another operation to have the swab removed. >>>Man Cuts Off Own Finger in Fake Kidnapping Attempt TOKYO (11-14) -- A man cut off his own finger and mailed it to his family in a fake kidnapping attempt. Toru Odajima, 39, was arrested three weeks after his disappearance. Odajima was trying to extort 50 million yen ($450,000) from his own family. The family received several phone calls and a total of eight letters. The seventh letter contained Odajima's left ring finger and a note threatening that Odajima would be killed if the ransom was not paid. Odajima, a shoe designer, was arrested after police officers traced his fingerprints left at the hospital where he sought treatment for his hand. >>>Man Drove Dead Girlfriend for Three Days CROWN POINT, Ind. (11-13) -- Harvey V. Lewis, 49, drove around with the body of his dead girlfriend for three days before turning himself in. Lewis told police that Valerie Whitehead died during a fight they had after getting drunk and smoking crack cocaine. "She became paranoid and violent with him and wanted out of the truck," said Detective Patrick Tracy. Lewis admitted to police that he hit her in the face three or four times and that she fell out of the truck. He did not immediately realize that Whitehead was dead. He also told police he drove around for three days because he did not know what to do. Lewis, who lives out of his truck, is being held in the Lake County Jail. He faces a charge of involuntary manslaughter. >>>Home Alone UPPER DARBY, PA (11-16) -- An 11-year-old boy was left home alone when a burglar decided to break in. The young boy, Joey Strano, ran downstairs with a butcher knife and confronted the burglar. "So I dropped the knife and said 'Don't take that stuff. It's my mom's," Joey yelled at the criminal. The man promised to leave the stuff where he found it, but instead ran out of the house. Little Joey followed the man. "When he tried to climb a fence, I grabbed his leg and he fell back. He tried to climb over again, and I grabbed his leg again. Then he dropped the stuff and jumped over the fence and ran away. So I jumped over the fence, gave the stuff to my friend Anthony, and kept chasing him," Joey testified at a preliminary hearing. The burglar, 34-year-old Keith S. Jones, was caught by police as he was running through a nearby cemetery. >>>Thieves Caught by Beeper BROOKLYN, (11-12) -- A woman decided to call the beeper left in the brand new vehicle that was just stolen and was able to trace the two thieves responsible for the theft. Terrified as to what her husband will say about the theft of their brand new all-terrain vehicle, the woman called her own pager left inside the truck. To her surprise she got a call minutes later. She then used her "call-back" feature on her phone to trace the number. With the help of the phone company, police was able to locate the caller. When police arrived at the location, a store, the business owner informed them that he allowed a neighbor to use his phone. The family informed the police that they just purchased the truck from two friends. He was arrested for accepting stolen property, while the two thieves face grand larceny charges. +++MONTEREY, Mexico (Reuter, 11-11) -- An 82-year-old woman was arrested for selling drugs to school children. At the time of her arrested she had 14 marijuana cigarettes in her possession and she admitted selling drugs for the last 11 years. +++TUJUNGA, L.A. (LA Times, 11-16) -- Vandals broke into eight crypts at the abandoned Verdugo Hills Cemetery and exhumed the corpses, propping one up against the crypt and shoving a cigarette in his mouth. +++MEXICO CITY (Reuters, 11-15) -- Four women died after inhaling a deadly brew of ammonia and herbs while they were trying to cook up a solution that will drive away the evil spirits during a witchcraft ceremony. Subject: Neiman Marcus Cookies - revisited Just thought you all would also like to know that this particular story has been floating around since the beginning of time. Some claim it to be a true story, others say it was made up. However, I am here to say that I have personally tried this recipe and it really works. The only draw back is that it makes about a zillion cookies. Suggestion: If you are going to try this recipe, cut it down at least by half. Happy baking! Subject: Neiman Marcus Cookies - revisited, yet again The story is a load of bunk! It's yet another 'Urban legend' , like the one about Mikey from the 'Life' cereal commercials dying from eating "Pop Rocks" candy, or the one where the lady puts her poodle in the microwave to dry it off, or the one where a really beautiful model marries some dink like Billy Joel or David Copperfield..... ...........oh, wait. That's 'Brinkley/Schiffer' Syndrome. Ok, that one really happened. In any event, there is no Neiman Marcus restaurant in Dallas! I think there is only one, and it's in Chicago or some other town where they have a really crappy football team (oh get over it, you Bears fans - you know it's true!). This is yet another example of how 'Urban Legends' can be proliferated over the web. Some are old, some are new. Tell you what - just for fun, try to start your own Urban Legend and toss it up on the net! Let's see if it gets off the ground! Here are some start-up elements - you make the story. Please show your work: » A yak, a taxi, three helpful Cubscouts. » Famous actress/supermodel, a duck, and a rubber spatula » Being over-charged for a cookie recipe and distributing it on the net Already chosen, please pick again! » Soylent green is made from people! » Bus trip through the Andes, four French co-eds, a crate of Toblerone chocolate bars. » Titanic hit an iceberg?!? Bah! You have the realstory. (Note: make sure it includes UFO's). » The secret ingredient in both Super-Glue and Cheez-whiz, revealed!! Have fun! Extra credit if your story makes the news! Subject: The Secret Behind Blue Ice Cream The blue coloring for blue ice cream and blue ice cones comes from crushed smurfs. Subject: Children and church This is a "cute" little story my mother once told me. It has continued to be a favorite source of amusement in our family over the years: While pregnant with you, I decided that it was time to introduce your brothers to church. One Sunday, we all dressed in our 'Sunday Best' and headed off to (Catholic) church. Everything was going well, in fact I was surprised at how well-behaved my two boys were. A sense of pride ran through me as I smiled at each of them listening to the priest speak. I thought we were home free until it came time to take communion. (The priest always eats his communion wafer and drinks the wine from the goblet before offering communion to the congregation.) As the priest lifted the goblet to his mouth to drink, your brother, Jimmy, blurted out, "What's that man drinking, beer?" I was so mortified because everyone heard. I swore to myself that I would never, again, bring him to church. Subject: Top 10 ways _not_ to tell people about Jesus Top Ten REJECTED Opening Witnessing Lines 10. O.K., what's the difference between your eternal soul and this burnt piece of toast? 9. We just want to rob you of your identity and make you a little religious robot like the rest of us...'kay? 8. (hick accent) It's this simple. God's like this three person deal. The Father, the Son and the Holy Guest. 7. What are you, like the manager of "Sinners R Us'???!! 6. I'm supposed to tell you about Jesus or else. 5. God's like got this, like, universe-sized web page. 4. Hold still while I take some practice swings with my King James. 3. Well, nice seein' ya (very quick read now) Your eternal soul will burn in hell fire forever unless you accept Jesus as Lord and personal Savior of your life. Offer expires when you do. 2. It's like in Star Trek, 'cept Jesus doesn't have to beam around 'n stuff 1. O.K., everyone who's saved take one step forward. Oh, not so fast there, Battlethwaite! (and some extras) -(like George Bush) Sin....bad, ooo, very bad. Jesus...good! Good! -Yeah, God did a miracle in my life, yadda yadda yadda. -You don't really want to hear about Christ, do ya? Subject: Casket Humor (from the Cincinnati Enquirer, 12/12/96 excerpt from article by Mark Curnutte) Ever wish you could say just one more thing to a deceased loved one? The YORK EXPRESSIONS casket will let you, sort of. New, from the Houston-based York Group, and now available nationally, the EXPRESSIONS casket has a smooth, pearlescent finish that allows friends and families to write on it. The casket is shipped with a complete set of permanent markers and a memorial guide. "For years we have received requests for caskets that could be written on, from both funeral directors and family and friends who believed this was the most effective and appropriate expression of their grief." saya George Foley Jr., executive vice president of the York Group. HERE'S SOME IDEAS ON WHAT TO WRITE: On a mob informant's casket - "We told you we'd get you, you dirty rat!" Housewife's casket: "We're gonna miss you! The sink's already full and the laundry is piling up." Boss's casket: "Man, will you be missed! Now there's nobody to spy on us and make sure that we don't sneak out of work early." Ex-Wife' s casket: "Boy, I'm sure gonna miss making those alimony payments. Hope you don't need that fur coat where you're going." Ex-Husband's casket: "You lousy chisler! I wasn't finished making you miserable yet!" Bomb victim's casket: "I still can't believe it! One minute you're there, the next minute you're gone!" Pilot's casket: "If God had wanted men to fly He would have given them wings." Sky Diver's casket: "You were so young, but you really made an impression!" *************************************************************************************************** OTHER CASKET CUSTOMIZATION IDEAS FOR CELEBRITIES: Tim Allen's casket - Chrome handles and pin striping Many Senators & Congressmen - An ornate shoe-box for burial and instructions on giving the body an enema before putting putting it in the box. David Copperfield's casket - Mysteriously disappears, thus eliminating the need for burial. Ralph Nader's casket - Has shoulder harness, lap belt and air bag. Martha Stewart's casket - Tastefully covered with wreaths, pine cones, and silk flowers, all attached with a hot-glue gun, and lined with parchment paper. Jesse Jackson's casket - Built-in microphone and P A System. ******* Further commentary on these themes is welcome ************* Subject: The Top 15 Signs the Guy Who Plays Barney is Ready to Retire 15> Tom Arnold all set to take over after winning audition over Joe Piscopo. 14> Being constantly mistaken for Grimace eventually takes its toll. 13> "I love you. You love me. Guess who's moving to Miami?" 12> Has been seen hanging with the cast of "Friends" and bitching about residuals. 11> Can no longer remember just who loves who. 10> "And today we're going to meet a very special friend of mine, Jack Danielsaurus!" 9> Insists on wearing his colostomy bag on the *outside* of his costume. 8> The current contents of the Barney Bag? Fake beard, passport, handgun, and $10,000 cash. 7> What do you mean the GUY WHO PLAYS BARNEY?!?!?! 6> "Mom, why is Barney kicking the little Asian girl?" 5> Has been slow and lethargic since that giant meteor hit the earth. 4> "I love you -- Oy... My back!!!" 3> Now ends every show by chuckling, "That oughta hold the little bastards 'til tomorrow!" 2> That Barney suit has been let out more times than Lassie. And the Number 1 Sign the Guy who Plays Barney is Ready to Retire... 1> No matter where he goes, the stench of 'Barney Suit' follows! Subject: Top 10 Reasons why Virtual Reality is Better than Reality 10. In VR, no one can hear you snore at your desk. 9. One click is all it takes to delete Cathy Lee Gifford. 8. VR is refreshingly free from stretch marks. 7. Pale skin and an ability to count in hex are actually considered attractive. 6. In a virtual kitchen, there's no guilt after eating those three cheesecakes. 5. Virtual Kathy Ireland doesn't belch. 4. With a VRML glove, you can give your boss the finger, yet remain gainfully employed. 3. Virtual bungee jumping desn't make your spleen come out through your nose. 2. A flight simulator mishap is not likely to require a parachute. And the Number One reason why virtual reality is better than reality... 1. Bad hair day? Select the Fabio avatar and go get 'em, killer! Subject: Borg Barbie The Mattel Toy company, in conjunction with Paramount Studios, announces the newest release in the "Barbie" line, "Borg Barbie." Created as an offshoot of the Classic Trek Barbie and Ken line, Borg Barbie features the fun of Barbie and the excitement of the fabulously successful Star Trek (tm) films and television programs. Borg Barbie comes with a complete Borg suit and SHE TALKS!!! Watch your children marvel as Borg Barbie says phrases like, "Assimilation is Hard," "Let's accessorize our implants," "Your shopping mall WILL service the Borg," and "Let's absorb some cultures!" Recognizing a long-time deficiency in the Ken product, Mattel is releasing its new, "Assimilated Ken," with a complete line of attachments and accessories. Assimilated Ken comes "fully functional and versed in multiple techniques," to give your kids hours of enjoyment. The Borg Barbie line includes the new Shuttlecraft that converts into a Borg Cube. The Borg Cube configuration features slots to insert Barbie, Ken, and the new "Modified Midge" and "Cyber Skipper" dolls. Join all four to create an invincible Barbie Collective that says, "We are Barbie of Borg. Resistance is Futile. You WILL buy accessories for US." Subject: Casket Humor (Revisited) Some more casket designs/options for those special people that make our lives (or used to) miserable... For the entire staff of the Cincinnati Post, Enquirer, and...(What the heck...) other so-called news media outlets... ("The DEPRESSED" as defined by R. Limbaugh) Free poisonous snakes to ensure that when they die, they STAY dead! For Bill Gates, the famous author of notable viruses such as Windows 3.xx and Windows 95... A casket with enviornmental control that is run by Windows 95 on an IBM laptop, with no modems or tech support! For Mr. William "I didn't inhale, but wanted to..." Clinton... All the women he dated after he married Hillary, equipped with baseball bats, and N.O.W. baseball hats. For the biggest idiot in American History... Kato "hooked on phonics DIDN'T work for me!" Kalin... A Cat in the Hat book and someone to read it to him. For O.J. "I'll find the REAL killer" Simpson... A framed mirror... The frame reads, "Look no further Bonehead!"-- signed the American Public minus 12 stupid jurors. For Dave Shula, former (Thank God!) coach of the Cincinnati Bungles (Bengals, officially)... A Cat in the Hat book that outlines common sense coaching techniques, and Andy MacWilliams (Big mouth of 700 WLW-AM) to read it to him. All talk show hosts, ESPECIALLY SPRINGER AND GERALDO... A soundproof casket with rocket motors to launch it into space... We've got enough hazardous waste buried on earth as it is... Subject: Dr. Seuss Pick Up Lines The Top 15 Dr. Seuss Pick-Up Lines 15> "I may not like Green ham or eggs, but I sure love your long, thin legs." 14> "Marvin K. Mooney, will you please come now?!?" 13> "From far or near or here or there, haven't I seen you before somewhere?" 12> "That's not the only place this Sneetch has a star, Baby." 11> "Sally from Whoville, what's your sign? Let's blow this joint -- your thneed or mine?" 10> "Y'know, after he stole it, the Grinch hid Christmas -- in my pants." 9> "I love someone who knows what wine goes with red fish or blue fish." 8> "Is that a Cat in your Hat or are you just happy to see me?" 7> "I hate this place -- the crowd's so phony! Say, care to ride me like a pony?" 6> "My heart ain't the only thing two sizes too large, if you know what I mean." 5> "On a boat, in a car, with your toes all curled -- Oh, the places we'll go when I rock your world!" 4> "How'd you like to be in my next book: 'Great Legs and Other'?" 3> "I do not like my wife, you see. I do not like her, no sirree. Her looks accuse, her words disparage, and so we have this open marriage." 2> "Each book makes a million, a zillion, or three. Would you, could you, come home with me?" and the Number 1 Dr. Seuss Pick Up Line... 1> "In all of Hooterville, where there's Hooters supreme, yours are the best of the Hooters I've seen!" Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XII - Attack of the Roman Numerals! Clerk hurls Spam, foils robber with panties on head DENISON, Texas - It must have been quite a scene. A bandit trying to disguise himself by wearing a pair of women's panties over his head was foiled in his attempt to rob a convenience by a Spam-slinging clerk. Police said the bandit tried to rob the EZ Mart store early Wednesday. He struck the woman clerk over the head with something while she had her back to the bandit. The woman got back up and began throwing cans of Spam at the bandit, who fled without any loot. Police said the clerk was not seriously hurt, but she had a knot on the back of her head and was sent home early because she was "pretty shaken up" by the incident. Officers said the man was wearing black sweat pants, tennis shoes, no shirt and the women's panties when he fled from the store. "I've never heard of a robber using women's panties to disguise himself," said Mike Eppler, community relations officer for the Denison Police Department. "There have been no reports of a robber using panties in a robbery attempt in Denison. This is a new one." Courtesy: Associated Press Subject: Why God can't get tenure Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University: 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human su bjects. 10. When one experiment went awry He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book. 13. Some say He had His Son teach the class. 14. He expelled His first two students for learning the wrong subject. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. Subject: God comes to Washington DC God Comes to Washington DC God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began His earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that He would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was O.K. until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell. Subject: Is there a Santa Claus? Distributed Santa A follow up to the scientific/engineering analysis... P.S. For those chilled by the grim fate of Santa in this analysis, the entire calculation assumes only one Santa. If there is more than one jolly individual performing the annual ritual of cherubic philanthropy, then things change as we shall see. This is conceptually equivalent to a parallel processing procedure, and I must provide credit for this insight to an electrical engineering friend of mine. If there are 2 santas operating in parallel, then we can divide the work load evenly. However, the calculations will still produce forces and aerodynamic heating which no man or beast can survive. If there are 10, the calculations are different, but the results are the same. If there are 1000 santas, or what we shall call a kilosanta, then our calculations show that each santa has 1 visit per second, travels 75,500 miles on Christmas Eve to complete his mission, pulls 321 tons in his sleigh, and travels at roughly 2435 miles per hour, which is 3 times the speed of sound, or roughly as fast as the SR-71 Blackbird, the US Air Force's (until recently) premier high altitude spy aircraft. Even with the reductions in speed and subsequently reductions in drag, aerodynamic heating is still unreasonable and the kilosanta still dies. If we run the calculations for 1,000,000 santas operating in parallel, or a Megasanta, then the results are more encouraging. For instance, each santa travels at 2 miles per hour between stops, has about 20 minutes at each house, and travels a total of 75 miles. Furthermore, each santa has a load of only 182 lbs. for his 91 stops. Even if each santa is a load (as we can safely assume from the stories surrounding our corpulent culprit!), we are dealing with a total of approximately 532 lbs. Our alternate conclusion then? Santa is not dead, he's distributed. Subject: Diversity Training and Jesus And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that." Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes. Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said. Subject: More 'Deep Thoughts..........' If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be "Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something". When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me. You. I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh? I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. Subject: The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You 16> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 15> Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill. 14> He actually *does* have your tongue. 13> You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 12> Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 11> You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 9> Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" 7> Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. 5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. 3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. 2> You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You... 1> Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines. Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XIII - Home Alone 3:Kevin Sues His Parents AESTHETIC EMESIS: A Museum of Modern Art of New York spokesman said that when a museum guest vomited on a painting, "it was an unfortunate incident, a fluke." But Jubal Brown, 22, of Ontario College of Art and Design, said no, it was a protest. He says he is on a quest to publicly puke on three masterpiece paintings, each in a primary color. For the MoMA's "Composition in Red, White and Blue" by Piet Mondrian, he loaded up on blue gelatin. In May, he ralphed red on Raoul Dufy's "Harbour at le Havre" at the Art Gallery of Ontario. His next technicolor yawn will be in yellow, he says, but he won't say where. Brown said it was easy to heave on the Mondrian. "I found its lifelessness threatening and it made me sick," he said. Both museums thought the incidents were accidents, but now are considering legal action. (AP) YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT: Marcelo Adrian Mendoza, 33, serving an eight-year sentence in an Argentine prison for an undisclosed crime, was in court to answer some new charges. He apparently got too close to his court file: he was able to tear out several pages of evidence against him and eat them as shocked guards watched. He was given a one-year sentence for obstructing evidence. (Reuter) WON'T PLAY IN PEORIA: Illinois prison officials have put a stop to an exhibit of "Death Row Art" at a Chicago art gallery, where inmate- created works would have been sold to the public. The Illinois Corrections Department said they didn't know about the planned exhibit until a local newspaper called for comment. Officials said no one had given the prisoners permission to make money from art created behind bars. A spokesman for the Capital Resource Foundation, a group run by employees of the Illinois Appellate Defenders' Chicago office, said the exhibit was just a way "to show that condemned killers are human beings". He said that "people who are on death row have a very difficult time. These kinds of things give people hope." (UPI) WILL SHILL FOR FOOD: Panhandlers in Miami no longer have to find scraps of cardboard and pens to make their signs pleading for handouts. A local sign shop has donated plastic signs with begging messages -- plus an advertisement for the sign shop. "We ... put them to work in a way," claims the shop owner. "While they're out there doing their thing, they're also advertising my business." He says he will pay the panhandlers a percentage of any business he gets from people who see the signs. (Reuter) COMMUNITY SERVICE: While Philadelphia city officials were showing a businessman around a depressed neighborhood, brainstorming on ways to help the community, a man holding a Bible came up to speak to them. He first asked if the well-dressed men were policemen. No, they said. So the man opened his Bible, revealing a hidden compartment from which he pulled a gun. "In that case, give me your wallets," he demanded at gunpoint before escaping with cash and credit cards. The businessman, David Hirsch, was anything but philosophical. "Here we were, trying to do something to help the community, and this guy comes up and robs us," he complained. (AP) FIRE AND BRIMSTONE: A Calvinist preacher animatedly lecturing against sin to a congregation of children in a church in Kraggakamma, South Africa, accidentally punctuated his point by setting off a tear gas canister he was holding. Dominee Ferdi Gouws was using the canister as a prop when it went off, sending the churchgoers in all directions. He was able to finish the service, while the congregation discreetly coughed through the rest of the sermon. (Reuter) KEEP THE TIP: When Steven Jeffrey Raines, 37, walked into a restaurant in West Palm Beach, Fla., and ordered a drink, the bartender thought nothing of it. It was when Raines asked the bartender if he would mind if he counted his money there. "I said, `No, go ahead'," remembers bartender Chip Welfeld. When Raines dumped a wad of bills -- $10,000 worth -- on the bar, the suspicious Welfeld called police. Police confirmed the bartender's suspicions: they say that Raines stopped by for a drink after robbing two banks in Palm Beach. (AP) SCAPEGOAT: "Fatal Mudslide Blamed On Hill" -- AP headline Subject: The Top Ten Ways to Get Fired 10. Whenever answering the phone, and its for your boss, say "He's under his desk with his secretary. Can I take a message?" 9. Strip off all your clothes. Complain about how hot it is in the office, regardless of the temperature 8. When your boss is on the phone scream, "Dammit! I'm expecting a call!! Stay off the phone!!" 7. If your boss bumps into you, start screaming sexual harassment. Talk in great lengths about the state laws on harassment. Get the authorites involved. Threaten to sue. 6. Send a dozen roses to your boss's house when their spouse is home. Sign an ex-flames name on the card. Next day, ask him/her how their evening was. Be obvious. 5. Steal various office equipment (pencils, staplers, desks). Frame your boss for it. 4. When asked to do something start laughing hysterically. Continue this for five minutes. Calm down and say, "Oh, you were being serious?" 3. Loosen the bolts on the boss's chair. Laugh loudly when he/she falls down. Play innocent. 2. Whenever the boss starts to tell you a story, interrupt him/her with a story of your own. Make sure the story is boring and has no point whatsoever. And the Number 1 Way To Get Fired... 1. Sleep with your boss's daughter. Videotape it. Pass out copies around the office. Brag about how easy she was. Subject: Bipartisan Christmas Tale 'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House, Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse. The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care, For a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there. Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed, Dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head. And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed, Had just fried his brain with some Mexican weed. When out in the garden came a plethora of noise, All drunken and rowdy: 'twas Newt and the boys! Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash, "It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!" The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow, Gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below. When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear, But a slew of Republicans and a keg of ice beer. With a big House leader, all lively and fat: He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT! As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came, And Bill recognized them and called them by name. "Hey Helms, Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch! Hey Dole and Pataki, it's time for a bash!" A collective cheer rose our from the crowd, "Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!" Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer "Screw health care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!" When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot, As Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit. He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand, And when all was silent, he did a keg stand. And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer, And champagne flowed freely, just like welfare. As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room, The rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom. "We'll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!" "More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!" And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines. They cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!" So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap, And they took turns sitting on the President's lap. And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn, And awoke in the morning without their pants on. And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear. While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer. Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute, President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt. Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots, "A merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!" Subject: The Top 15 Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa 15> Tremendous upsurge in sales of 3-D Christmas cards. 14> Over the fireplace -- Fishnet stockings with garters. 13> Wanna sit on Santa's lap? You gotta be 18 and sign a release. 12> New non-androgynous "Elves" required to be at least 5"11" tall and list turn-ons/turn-offs on application. 11> Santa still looks like a dirty old man, but MRS. Claus -- Whoa, Baby! 10> Carols with references to "gay apparel" become suddenly pointless. 9> Hugh's workload increased to one day a year. 8> Those battery-operated toys under the tree ain't for the kiddies. 7> Milk and cookie replaced with silk and nookie. 6> Finally get rid of that tired old red suit for the timeless look of paisley pajamas. 5> Christmas Eve no longer the only night Santa goes around the world. 4> "Madonna and Child" replaced with -- hey, wait a minute... 3> Sure, it's the "Nutcracker Suite," but there's not a pecan, walnut or almond to be found. 2> Vixen in leather muzzle on your rooftop is actually Anna Nicole Smith. And the Number 1 Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Hugh Hefner Were Santa... 1> Better get a second carrot for Frosty. Subject: Mary Poppins pun After leaving the Banks family, Mary Poppins moved to Sherman Oaks, where she opened a small shop reading palms and tea leaves. Her specialty was helping people with bad breath. Her business card read "Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis." Subject: Explanation of Stupidity Explanation of Stupidity S.C. Anderson PO Box 1302 Minnetonka, MN 55345 Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016 Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put ``Stupidity''. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to its normal position. Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ``On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck. The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization. Sincerely, S. Anderson Subject: POLITICALLY CORRECT TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me, TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming. ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...) TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Subject: Holiday Diet Schedule This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the Holidays. Enjoy!! BREAKFAST 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast, dry 8 oz. skim milk LUNCH 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 oreo cookie MID AFTERNOON SNACK rest of the oreos in the package 2 pints of rocky road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream DINNER 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Milky Way candy bars LATE EVENING NEWS entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer Subject: No Cheerio's for me, thanks! A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' andand you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, crying his eyes out and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then turns to the younger son. "And what would YOU like for breakfast?!!?" she asks him. "I don't know," the 4-year-old replies, "but you can bet your sweet $#@! it's not gonna be Cheerios!" Subject: How to Argue and Win Every Time (Note from Gare: This sounds like a Dave Barry article to me.) I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: *Drink liquor. Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. *Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom." *Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement. *Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples to oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865. You say: You're begging the question. You say: Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa. You say: You're being defensive. *Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons. Subject: The Top 16 Signs Your Grandmother May be a Serial Killer 16> That Afghan she's been knitting? 100% human hair. 15> Bone fragments in her mincemeat pies. 14> A sudden fondness for serving Figgy Pudding, while Mr. Figgy down the road has been missing for over a week. 13> Complains that her freezer just doesn't have enough head room. 12> Trash bags of "rose clippings" are awfully damn heavy and smell like hell. 11> Her collection of antique thimbles includes thumbs. 10> After every evening homicide report, carves another notch in the arm of her rocker. 9> Doesn't serve Crab Louie on Melba toast, serves Louie and Melba. 8> Arrives at her own surgery with replacement organs in-hand. 7> Mistakenly served her bridge club actual lady fingers. 6> You've never heard of a church that has midnight mass EVERY night. 5> Nothing to show for her six marriages except a well-stocked freezer. 4> You don't get homemade chicken noodle soup, you get head-of-the-kid-next-door-who-wouldn't-turn-his-radio-down soup. 3> Has a bumper sticker that reads: "Ask me about my latest victim." 2> That funny feeling you get when she's in her room with the lights off and "Helter Skelter" turned up full blast on the ol' Victrola. And the Number 1 Sign Your Grandmother May be a Serial Killer... 1> Accidentally sends you her manifesto and mails a letter about her hip replacement to the Washington Post. Subject: Politically Correct Santa 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." Subject: If Lawyers wrote Christmas Tidings... FOR READERS IN THEIR 23RD YEAR OF SCHOOLING AND BEYOND 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cl oth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." Subject: The Top 10 Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage 10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students 9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear" 8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed 7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie 6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve 5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey 4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom 3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee 2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace 1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants Subject: The Twenty Third Pound For those who remember the 23 Psalm, whose title is "The Lord is my Shepherd". I thought you might enjoy this, especially in this season of excess. ************************** The Twenty Third Pound My appetite is my shepherd, I always want. It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly. It leadeth me in the path of the Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth. I will not stop eating, For the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread for me, It exciteth me, For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in! As I filleth my plate continuously, My clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and excess weight shall Follow me all the days of my life, And I will be FAT FOREVER. Subject: Pinpoint Marketing A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are made. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop! "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states. The guide replies, "No, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" Subject: You Know You're Too Stressed If... Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin chasing you. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. Things become "Very Clear." You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room. Your heart beats in 7/8 time. David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?" You and Reality file for divorce. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before. You can travel without moving. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to. You make up a list of ways to know if you're too stressed. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. Subject: A cat's Christmas A CAT'S CHRISTMAS T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. 'Cuz the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart- Ate his mousey intestines And chewed up his heart. Kitty thought he heard sleighbells, which made him take pause- He stopped daintily licking the blood from his claws. "Must be Santa," thought kitty (that quite clever cat) "Cuz nobody else climbs down the chimney like that." Indeed it was ol' Santa, so jolly and fat With a huge load of presents and all for the cat! "Wow, the best Christmas ever!" Kitty thought with a purr, Then he coughed up a hairball And shed some more fur. Subject: Making Puppies MAKING PUPPIES A father and son were walking through the neighborhood when they see two dogs involved. The small boy asks his father what they are doing and he replies, Theyre making puppies. So they continue on and once again see two more dogs and the boy asks what theyre doing. Theyre making puppies, son. Later that night the boy gets up to get a drink of water and walks in on his parents making love. The boy looks at his father kind of confused and asks what he and his mother are doing. The father says, Well son, were trying to make you a little brother or sister. The boy thinks for a minute then says, Daddy, would you turn her over? Id rather have a puppy! Subject: Making Puppies Too MAKING PUPPIES TOO Johnnys dad came home from work one day with a puppy as a surprise for Johnny. Well, Johnnys mother was very upset because the puppy was a female. Since she didnt want a litter of puppys someday, she made her husband swear that hed tell Johnny all about how to keep the dog from getting pregnant. The day came when the puppy would go into heat for the first time so Johnnys dad took him and the puppy to the garage. He explained to Johnny that every once in a while, Johnny would have to pour gasoline all over the puppys backside, (he felt this would keep the male dogs away and this way he wouldnt have to explain sex to Johnny). They poured the gasoline all over the puppy and Johnny took her for a walk. A couple of hours later, Johnny returned without his puppy. When his father asked him where the dog was, Johnny answered, Oh, she ran out of gas so Bobbys dog is pushing her home!. Subject: When you're just too stressed to take any more.... * Go to the coin laundry and throw in the towel. Then get in the dryer and fluff yourself. * Play "Go Fish" with a three-year-old. Win. * Replace your "in-box" with a garbage can. * Have an out-of-body experience. * Answer a highly technical question in your best Donald Duck voice. * For comic relief from stress, laugh at inappropriate times. * Avoid rush-hour stress. Drive slowly and honk and wave to pedestrians. * Stick a note to yourself showing where you've had it up to. * For a quiet evening, play a blank cassette at full volume. * Wrap yourself in bubble wrap. Then pop yourself. * Glue your old shoes to the ceiling. * Too much to do? Complain loudly and incessantly. You'll get farther behind, but you'll feel better. * Pretend that you're still in control. * Fill your hot tub with chicken soup. * Eat Jell-O with chopsticks. * Ring somebody's doorbell and run away. Subject: The Top 16 Least-Known Urban Legends 16> And when the couple gets home from their date and gets out of the car, there, dangling from the car door, is the severed... SPEAKER FROM THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE!!! 15> Large bands of politicians roaming the sewers of Washington after being flushed down the toilet by voters. 14> Cool Whip, at the right temperature, is an effective contraceptive. 13> The Yuppie, the Suitcase Full of Cash Left in a Taxi, and the Ethical Dilemma 12> The ghost of Keith Richards can still be seen performing with the Stones. 11> Not only are the models in the Victoria Secrets catalog all really men, so is Victoria herself. 10> Penny Marshall and Rosie O'Donnell actually seen shopping at K-Mart. 9> Overweight tabby straps jet engine to its back in futile attempt to catch mice. 8> Michael Jackson's secret "reverse identical twin" whose skin gets darker and darker each year. 7> If you look in the background of a particular scene from "Three Men and a Baby", you can see the dying film careers of Ted Danson, Steve Guttenberg, and Tom Selleck. 6> The original "Dr Pepper" was actually a proctologist. 5> The "Good Times" Hoax - Frightening rumor that Jimmy "J.J." Walker will star in a movie version of the bad 70's sitcom. 4> "Frosty" the frozen wino. 3> The Prom Queen who got home just fine, but was a little parched. 2> After hours of being clubbed by the LAPD, a homely man was actually "beaten handsome." and the Number 1 Least-Known Urban Legend... 1> That really high note on Mariah Carey's last single? A cat being strangled. Subject: Stupid Park Questions More evidence that humans are without a doubt the stupidest creatures on earth. Its hard to believe people are actually this dumb, but at least they can provide quality entertainment for the rest of us. Enjoy! These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp.120-121) Grand Canyon National Park ------------------------------------- Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park ------------------------------- Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska) ---------------------------------- What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Mesa Verde National Park --------------------------------- Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad Caverns National Park ------------------------------------------ How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this -- just a hole in the ground? Yosemite National Park ------------------------------- Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? Yellowstone National Park --------------------------------- Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? U.S. Civil War --------------------------------- Why were so many Civil War battles fought in National Parks? Who had more airplanes, the North or the South? What role did the United Nations play in the war? How come the Indians didn't use the war as a diversion to escape from America? In what battle was President Lincoln killed? How many of the Civil War battles were fought in Europe? How many dogs and cats were killed during the war? Which side had control of the Pentagon? Which side was Hawaii on? Why didn't the North use missiles against the South? What kind of car did U.S. Grant drive? Are any of the scenes in the movie "Gettysburg" real war footage? Why were the Federal troops always angry? Subject: The Top 12 Signs You Should Have Bought Flood Insurance 12> You get in a shoving match for the couch with your tropical fish. 11> You can't decide what's chaffing you more - your wet underwear or that damned Willard Scott and his friggin' weather map. 10> Those "Amazing Growing Dinosaurs! (Just Add Water!)" of your kid's have reached 30 feet in height and are still growing. 9> Kevin Costner spotted scouting locations nearby. 8> That 25-pound carp in your boxer shorts. 7> That noise downstairs? Your Barcalounger bumping against the ceiling. 6> Your goldfish now gets his own food from the pantry. 5> That neighbour who you've all ridiculed for the past few weeks about that ark he was bulding? He's wondering if you happen to have a spare mated pair of lemurs. 4> Screw the spa -- you've got a soothing mud bath in the family room. 3> Tidy Bowl Man gets a travelling jones and sets sail down the hallway. 2> Your toaster suddenly has a rinse cycle. And the Number 1 Sign You Should Have Bought Flood Insurance... 1> As manager of the Mustang Ranch, you now insist that your clients wear *both* kinds of raincoats. Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XIV - Dragonslayer 2: The Uneccesary JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Rowena Starling was sick of nagging her children."Finally, it just hit me like a ton of bricks," she said. "Why don't I record this?" Now, the Berkeley, Calif., woman is selling CDs of her nagging, titled "I'll Say It Again", for $11.95 a copy. A sample: "Stop that noise! Stop that noise! Stop that noise! Stop that noise! Stop that noise!" Other cuts include "Clean Your Room!", "Take Out the Trash!" and "Mow the Lawn!" HOLIDAY CHEER II: Reports that a Wal-Mart store in Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada, had 48 "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls brought 300 people to the store five hours before it opened. As soon as the doors were unlocked, a mass of shoppers raced down the aisles like a tsunami until it reached the employee setting up the "Elmo" display. He was trampled and had to be taken to a hospital for treatment. Meanwhile, Denise Flanagan, a retired nurse from Davie, Fla., paid $3,500 for one of the "Sesame Street" character dolls in an auction held by a Ft. Lauderdale radio station, even though she has no young children or grandchildren. "My daughter is getting married, and maybe it will go to the first grandchild," she explained. THERE S/HE IS: The Miss Australia contest likes to be known as a charity event, not a beauty pageant. Brad Rodgers has now proven that to be true. The 27-year-old man has qualified for the finals of the contest by winning the Miss Victoria Fundraiser title for bringing in more than $80,000 for the Spastic Society of Australia. "I'm not here to make a political statement for blokes, but I do hope I'll be the first of many more to come," Rodgers said, adding, "I'm not into that gender-specific stuff." WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT DOPE? When Harlan Collinsworth's Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, house was burglarized, he did what most people do: he called the police. Officer S.W. Childers arrived to take the report, and asked Collinsworth what had been stolen. In addition to a VCR, Collinsworth reported that his stash of marijuana and his bong were taken. While showing Childers the container where those goodies were taken from, he told the officer that "the suspect had failed to take his marijuana pipe," Childers said. "When I asked where it was, Harlan pulled it from the container." Childers cited Collinsworth for possession of drug paraphernalia. BOYS IN BLUE STRIPES: Kevin Carter, 21, and Michael Harrison, 26, have been charged with second-degree murder, attempted murder and armed robbery after an incident in a Boynton Beach, Fla., jewelry store went bad. The men allegedly staged the robbery because they needed $2,500 so they could pay the tuition at the Palm Beach Community College police academy. "He actually said, `I guess I can't become a police officer now'," Detective Ray Schilke said after interviewing Carter. Schilke thought Carter was kidding, but Carter's mother confirmed the story, noting her son has wanted to be a policeman since he was a teen. "That's all he talked about," she said. SORRY, WRONG NUMBER: Ana MarDia MartDinez of Cali, Colombia, says she is going to have to sell her house to help settle a 12-million-peso phone bill her son, Juan Carlos, ran up. The boy, 12, amassed the charges by calling phone sex numbers in Israel, Lebanon and Spain. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I am selling our house but even that isn't worth 12 million pesos," MartDinez said. Meanwhile, a survey published in the Colombian magazine Mujer has found that 40 percent of married women and nearly 70 percent of single women in the country fake orgasms during sex. "These figures show Colombian women have a serious problem," a psychoanalyst wrote in an accompanying article. "They show sexual dissatisfaction as well as significant inhibitions and mental barriers." IN A PIG'S EYE: Darrel J. Voeks, 46, has been convicted of livestock theft and sentenced to 10 years in prison. Voeks stole $96,965 worth of pigs from his Outagamie County, Wisc., employer, saying he needed money to help his family. But District Attorney Vince Biskupic argued that Voeks, who had two prior convictions for livestock theft, instead used the money "to support his own vices, simply to satisfy his own selfish desires." How? By using it to gamble and to tip strippers -- including $3,000 he gave to a dancer so she could get breast implants. MS WINFREY, WE HARDLY KNEW YE: "Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage" -- AP headline Subject: Wheeling Gaunt Ohio widows get yearly allotment of flour, courtesy of freed slave. (Note from Gare - this isn't necessarily a funny story, but it's a good one.) YELLOW SPRINGS, Ohio (Dec 12, 1996 3:48 p.m. EST) -- For years, Yellow Springs has been keeping a list and checking it twice. But it's the widows, not the kids, who get the Christmas gift. Every year this season, every widow in town gets a free 10 pounds of flour and 10 pounds of sugar, part of a century-old bequest from a former slave.. "The first time I got it I didn't know whether to laugh or cry," said Pat Hubbard, whose husband died nine years ago. "So I did both." The widows' benefactor, Wheeling Gaunt, bought his freedom from a Kentucky slaveholder for $900, moved to Yellow Springs -- a stop on the Underground Railroad -- in the 1860s, and made his fortune as a teamster, carpenter and farmer. At his death in 1894, he donated nine acres of farmland to the community on the condition it distribute 25 pounds of flour to its "poor worthy widows" every Christmas The village, population 4,000, hasn't missed a Christmas since, though it's made some changes. From the first, the flour was given to all widows, apparently in the belief that that's what Gaunt would have wanted. In the early 1950s, the village cut the amount of flour and added sugar because, it reasoned, women were not baking as much bread anymore and might have use for sugar. There are now 110 widows on the distribution list, updated by a village administrative assistant who pores over the obituaries in the newspaper. Occasionally, a widow will decline the offer, usually because she doesn't bake or is allergic to flour or sugar. But that's rare. "A lot of times the widows will have the doors open and are looking out the window waiting for me to show up," said Kelley Fox, one of the city workers who deliver the goods. Some of the widows even invite the workers to come back and pick up some of the goodies they've baked. "One lady will make zucchini bread and give to us," Fox said. "And around Christmastime a batch of cookies are likely to show up at random. It makes you feel good." Lottie Phillips, 73, said she uses the flour and sugar to make cornbread, cakes, sugar cookies and fudge: "My family loves it." Maxine Grubb, 76, said she is especially glad to get the flour and sugar in the winter, because it saves her from having to go the grocery store. She said she uses the sugar to attract hummingbirds to her yard in the summer. Gaunt intended that the rent from the land pay for his gift, which cost about $900 this year. The land is now a park, with a swimming pool, baseball diamonds and soccer fields, and the pool admission fees pay for the flour and sugar, which the village buys from a grocery store. No one knows why Gaunt chose this particular legacy, but local historian Phyllis Jackson noted that most women did not hold jobs then and were often left penniless when their husbands died. "Bread is the staff of life. If you had bread, you could survive for a while," she said. There is hardly a widow in Yellow Springs -- a village that is two-thirds white -- who doesn't know Gaunt's name. "This Wheeling Gaunt was a man who had been a slave. I don't know how well he was treated or how poorly he was treated, but he didn't have any freedom," Ms. Hubbard said. "But he still found it in his heart to give to others." Ms. Hubbard hopes the tradition never dies. "I guess it's one of the sweetest things in life," she said. Subject: Small world! Andy and Pete were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two attractive ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, Andy said: "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked up the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining: "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." So Pete took off toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as Andy had done, stopped, turned around, and walked back. In reply to Andy's quizzical look he said only: "Small world." Subject: The Top 16 Signs Christmas Has Become Too Commercial (A tad late due to my long vacation - Gare) 16> You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!" 15> Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures." 14> Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes. 13> The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus" 12> Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500. 11> Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet. 10> WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy! 9> Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder. 8> Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks. 7> Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler. 6> Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy." 5> $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas 4> Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's. 3> The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM) 2> Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables." And the Number 1 Sign Christmas Has Become Too Commercial... 1> Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair. Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XV - The Keg Parties of Madison County >>>Escape Attempt Returned To Sender POINT OF THE MOUNTAIN, Utah (12-19) -- It's always a good idea to mail your packages early during the holiday season. That's exactly what 48-year-old David A. Neel did. Instead of mailing gifts to his family, Neel placed himself inside a large cardboard box in an attempt to break out of prison. The box was found just outside the jail and it was on its way to a United Parcel Service (UPS) station. A prison guard was not fooled by the suspicious package. "The guard went through kicking the boxes, like he normally does. For some reason, he thought this one didn't seem quite right," spokesman Jack Ford said. Neel was serving a life sentence for molesting a child. Prison authorities are searching for accomplices who sealed Neel inside the box. >>>Greedy Cops Conned by Thieves LIMA, Peru (12-17) -- Peruvian police officers were bought off with forged banknotes by some clever thieves. Responding to a robbery in progress, the police officers caught the robbers after a car chase through a remote Andean village. The thieves escaped arrest after giving the officers a "thick wad" of cash, according to witnesses. When counting the money the next morning, the policemen found out they have been conned. The robbers have used forged money, El Comercio newspaper reported. >>>Faking Blindness to Enter College CAIRO (12-20) -- Some Egyptian students found a way to enter college despite poor grades - they faked blindness. The youngsters took advantage of a government program which guaranteed a better chance to blind and handicapped students to enter college. At Ain Shams university, for example, out of 90 students who claimed to be blind, 25 were frauds. "Precise visual devices proved they were pretending. The centers from which they came will be investigated," said Abdelwahhab Abdelhafez, president of Ain Shams university. >>>Man Hides in Refrigerator CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA. (12-18) -- Federal agents searched a home looking for Michael Anthony Smith who was wanted on a cocaine possession charge. When they opened the basement refrigerator, 33-year-old Smith was hiding behind a six-pack of malt liquor. Two of the beers were open. "I almost want to smile," said U.S. Magistrate B. Waugh Crigler who denied Smith's bail. >>>Husband Turns Out to Be Woman ALEXSANDRIA, Virginia (12-19) -- Margaret Anne Hunter filed a lawsuit against her spouse after she found out that her husband was actually a ...woman. Holly Anne Groves, 26, posed as Thorne Wesley Jameson Groves and pretended to be dying of AIDS in order to avoid sex. The $575,000 lawsuit claims that Groves' breasts were covered with bandages which she explained as injuries suffered during an automobile accident. Hunter, 24, became aware of the scam when Groves' parents called and asked to speak to "Holly." "Holly had such credible and detailed explanations, excuses and personal history... There was nothing that gave my client or other people pause," attorney Seth Guggenheim said. Hunter met Groves over the Internet in the fall of 1995. The two agreed to get married a few months later. The lawsuit states that Ms. Hunter agreed to the marriage "out of compassion and love." >>>Kangaroo Saves Farmer's Life MELBOURNE (12-19) -- A kangaroo used his tail to knock on a farmer's bedroom door in an attempt to wake him up and alert him of a fire that broke out in the house. "If the wallaby hadn't woken me up I would have been dead," said farmer Nigel Etherington. Etherington rescued the animal the night before the fire, after it was hit by a vehicle. He took the small marsupial inside his home, nursed it, and let it sleep in the bathroom. A few hours later, the wallaby returned the favor by alerting Etherington of the fire. Etherington plans to adopt the wallaby who was named Skippy based on a 1970s TV series starring a heroic kangaroo. GLENWOOD SPRINGS, Colo. (AP, 12-18) - Placing your tongue on a cold metal pole during cold winter weather is not a very good idea. "Me and my friends decided I should try and stuck my tongue to a pole. It stuck," said 9-year-old Hunter Cunningham who managed to (painfully) free his tongue before the fire department arrived. BANGKOK (AFP, 12-23) -- A 51-year-old Thai cook was arrested after he was caught stealing 10 pieces of lingerie from houses in a residential neighborhood. Police discovered a collection of over 1,000 pieces of woman underwear stashed in his home. Subject: Southern Words Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah." Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I makes me mad." Attair: Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please" Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl." Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it." Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday." Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it." Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia." Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am." Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum." Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichways. Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs." Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares." Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy." Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy." Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was." Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you." Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?" Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?" Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper." Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law." Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon." Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.' Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?" Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister." Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm) Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh." Phraisin: Very cold. "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here." Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out." Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball." Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar." Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson." Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner." Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar." Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight." Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn." Uhmurkin: Someone who lives int he United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin." War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war." Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word." Yankee shot: A Southern child's navel. "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot." Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?" Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XVI - Rambo 4: Tickle-Me-and-Die! MAKING A LIST, CHECKING IT TWICE: Many wealthy families have personal shoppers. Police in St. Paul, Minn., say the Dick family had a personal shoplifter. Dentist Gregory Dick, his wife Judy, son James, and Daughter Stacy Zehran have been charged with receiving stolen property after allegedly hiring a man to steal more than $250,000 in goods, such as Armani suits and Baccarat crystal, for the family's use. Police said the Dicks gave Gregory Thomas, 37, detailed shopping lists of items to steal, and paid to bail him out of jail whenever he was caught stealing for them. NAUGHTY, NOT NICE: Roy Keiser, 65, has played Santa Claus in Plaistow, N.H., for more than 20 years. But he wasn't ready for a 7-year-old Cub Scout who tested his authenticity a bit too fervently. Witnesses say the Cub pulled Keiser's beard so hard it ripped off his face, taking some skin with it. Keiser allegedly came unglued and slapped the boy, leading to assault charges which could result in a $1,000 fine. Keiser's wife says the community supports him. "People who don't even know him are offering to pay his fine," she said. THE GIFT THAT KEEPS GIVING: "It was truly the perfect gift," says Mary Ann McGrath. Her husband had a bathroom constructed near the 10th hole at the golf course where they play. Bill McGrath thought of the present after hearing his wife complain about the lack of facilities on the back nine. Others benefit too: both men's and women's latrines are included. "I told her it was something she could share with family and friends, and something she could open and reopen," Bill said. Mary Ann couldn't be happier. "Gifts from spouses have to be beacons. They should reflect the fact that this is an important relationship," she said. SOCIETY'S MIRROR: Looking for a real ...uh... twist on an old favorite? Forget Barbie dolls. New, unauthorized "accessorized" Barbies are a big hit in San Francisco. There's Trailer Trash Barbie ("My Daddy Swears I'm the Best Kisser in the County!" she says on the box), Big Dyke Barbie, Hooker Barbie (complete with condom), and Drag Queen Barbie (actually a doctored-up Ken doll). "These Barbies are wildly popular," exclaimed one retailer. "Trailer Trash Barbie is on back order." A spokesman for Mattel wasn't terribly concerned. "We're a very diverse society -- Barbie respects that," he said. However, he adds, "if somebody's selling them as a 'Barbie', that's trademark infringement. Our lawyers will ask them to please stop using the Barbie name." BAH, HUMBUG: The town of Highbridge, in Somerset County, England, won't be winning any awards for its Christmas decorations this year. The town spent 90 pounds to put up five yellow stars, and only two of the five light bulbs in the stars light up. A local businessman complained the display is "certainly a letdown after last year. At least we had four bulbs working last Christmas." Newspapers have dubbed Highbridge "Scroogetown", but Mayor Hilary Rose complains, "You may think we are being mean but we haven't got lots of cash." 'TIS THE SEASON: In honor of the King's birthday, Thailand's Population and Community Development Association performed free vasectomies on "hundreds" of Thai men. "Thais love to do good things to honor the king," said Dr. Apichart Nirapathpongporn of the Association. "A part of the reason I got the vasectomy is that it's the king's birthday," agreed Somdej Vanikabutra. "It's a thing to be proud of when you remember it in the future, or when your children ask when daddy got his vasectomy." WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? The new McDonald's restaurant in Minsk, Belarus, is so popular, they had to beat the customers off with a stick. Really. Police used night sticks to beat back about 4,000 people who descended on the new store after hearing rumors they would be given free food. Meanwhile, Wendy's founder Dave Thomas is in stable condition after a quadruple heart bypass. A spokesman for the number-four burger chain says Thomas' heart problems do not constitute a problem for the company's image. Relating Thomas' hamburger diet to his bypass surgery is a "grossly unfair comparison," the spokesman said. "A couple of years ago he lost 50 pounds." HO HO HOLD ON!! Santa Claus flew in to see children in Lantana, Fla., but used some high technology to do it: a helicopter. Unfortunately, the chopper crashed in flames in front of 200 wide-eyed kids, destroying the toys and injuring Charles Dhooge, who was dressed up as the merry elf. He is recovering, and the kids have been attended to by a substitute Santa with replacement toys. FIRST SANTA, NOW THIS: "Christmas Trees Don't Grow on Trees" -- UPI headline Subject: The Top 16 Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy 16> Hasn't touched your inner trainset for days. 15> Spends all day sulking in your lower intestine. 14> You've stopped shouting "Wheeeee!" on the elevator at work. 13> Joins an inner gang and goes wilding through your pancreas. 12> You attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of J&B and M&M's. 11> When you try to hug him, he pulls away and calls you a "pathetic codependent loser." 10> When your boss calls you incompetant, you reply: "I know you are, but what am I?" 9> Has been sulking since you refused to buy that Power Ranger doll. 8> Constantly whacking the holy hell out of the inner puppy you gave him for his birthday. 7> You keep getting thrown out of bars for ordering Lucky Charms and Milk. 6> Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger Management Workshop" has kept you up three nights in a row. 5> Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel onto the floor. 4> You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your Inner Child. 3> Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the hell outta this dump." 2> You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until gummi bear ransom is delivered. And the Number 1 Sign Your Inner Child is Unhappy... 1> Hires an inner lawyer and slaps your $#@! with a $40 million inner lawsuit. Subject: The Conductor There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor named Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?" "Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied. "Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution. The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the conductor was legally dead, so they had to release him. Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy. "Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor. "A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy. And.. the same thing happened-- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. He then pulled it twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. Well, as the law says, they had to let him go... Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution. When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber. However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners... Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc. But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana?!" The guy replied, "I just like bananas." So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!" "I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor." Subject: The Top 12 Failed Nostradamus Predictions for 1996 12> "Invasion by the great bear of the north fails to materialize, as Ditkus the Gruff remains a prisoner of the evil glass box." 11> "The daughter of dethroned king Elvis shall remain blissfully united with ever-lightening new king Jacko." 10> "Leiderhosen and exploding hats dominate the fashion scene." 9> "A maniacal man of great wealth is chosen to be their leader. His visage scares small children, and he is called Forbes Perot." 8> "That which is called 'Men Behaving Badly' wins that which is called 'Emmy.'" 7> "The land of Montana is recognized as the cradle of the finest America has to offer." 6> "A subtle artistic expression called The Macarenus will restore reasonable thinking and cause peace and harmony to flourish everywhere." 5> "The man known as 'Netanyahu' resigns due to intense international pressure caused by his having such a silly-ass name." 4> "The seer known as LaToya shall correctly predict something other than the setting of the sun." 3> "The Beast with the Multicolored Mane will join with She of Conical Endowment to populate the planet with their evil offspring." 2> "The one known as 'Pen-in-Fist' shall smite mightily the white-haired ruler called 'Tubby'." And the Number 1 Failed Nostradamus Prediction for 1996... 1> "The world will end abruptly in March as The Ace of Ventura captures a short man of gold named Oscar." Subject: Worst analogies ever! He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes witha pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Unknown) Subject: Good Times virus, Version 2.0 Virus Alert!!! GoodTimes Virus, 2.0!!! There's a new virus that will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play. It will give your ex-girl or boyfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your wine and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead squirrel in the back pocket of your good pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work. Goodtimes 2.0 will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girl or boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead; such is the power of Goodtimes 2.0. It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. Goodtimes 2.0 will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphe- tamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. Goodtimes 2.0 will prompt your mother to call on Friday and Saturday nights for two months after you make a new girlfriend/boyfriend. It will place your wallet and keys on an obscure shelf in the basement. It will emulate your face and stare into the neighbor's bathroom window. Goodtimes 2.0 has been linked to cancer in laboratory mice. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend Goodtimes. Goodtimes 2.0 will make your bloomers shrink two sizes, and it will make you gain 15 pounds. If this results in a wedgie, then Goodtimes will leave a nasty skid mark. * PLEASE listen to me! The "GoodTimes" virus DOES NOT does not exist!! Neither does any virus which claims to be spread via e-mail. E-mail messages are TEXT FILES ! ! ! * But just to be safe, better run that virus scanner now that you've read this! Subject: A Compiler With A Sense of Humor These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler. They are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) "String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters; that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)" "...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'" "A typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program" "You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler" "This struct already has a perfectly good definition" "type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)" "Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that's why)" "Huh?" "Can't go mucking with a 'void *'" "We already did this function" "This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message" "Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious" "Too many errors on one line (make fewer)" "Symbol table full -- fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer" Subject: Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down. Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Stop shaking it. Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XVII - Beavis and Butthead Make Millions North Wilkesboro, North Carolina: The toilet isn't always the end of the line, as an unfortunate drug suspect learned when he allegedly tried to flush the evidence away, police said. Officers heard the flush while searching a house for crack cocaine on Saturday. After learning that the house was not connected to the city's sewer system, they opened the septic tank and found a plastic bag with 11 rocks of crack cocaine, according to a police report. With the smelly evidence in hand - or glove, anyway - police charged Glenn Scott Anthony, 26, with possession of cocaine with intent to sell and deliver. The plan to get rid of the drugs would have worked with the right plumbing - a sewer connection, Detective Ralph Pittman said. "It would have been gone," he said. ========== San Diego, California: Moments before Iraqi soldiers captured Guy Hunter Jr. during the Persian Gulf War, the Marine buried his wallet in the Kuwaiti desert so his family would not be targeted by terrorists. Six years later, the mud-soaked billfold appeared in Hunter's mailbox with all its contents - three credit cards, his military identification, three family photos and $47 in cash. A laborer had found it and sent it to the Marines, who forwarded it to Hunter, now 52 and retired. "It was so strange," the former prisoner of war told The San Diego Union-Tribune on Thursday from his home in Jacksonville, North Carolina "It seemed like a voice from the past suddenly spoke to you." The package, dated October 19, contained a letter in broken English from G.A.S. Santha, a laborer from Sri Lanka who works in Kuwait. The Hunters received the wallet from Marine headquarters on December 13 and sent Santha a reply the next day, offering thanks and extending an invitation to him to visit the United States. "It came in a yellow envelope," said Hunter's wife, Mary. "We opened it and I said ... 'Honey, this is like finding a bottle with a message, only 10 times better!' It was a funny thing; it was like `I Dream of Jeannie.'" ========== Amsterdam, Netherlands: How cold is it in Europe now? So cold, that even the penguins are freezing. A Dutch zoo is putting young blackfoot penguins, native to coastal South Africa, in a cooler where the temperature is a constant 41 degrees, Artis zoo spokeswoman Miriam Dresme said today. The penguins can handle temperatures as low as 23 degrees, she said. But temperatures in Amsterdam have hovered around 14 degrees for the last few days, so the younger ones have been put in the special cell. LOCKED DOOR MYSTERY: Chicago mystery writer Eugene Izzi was discovered hanging by the neck outside the window of his 14th floor downtown office. Izzi, who does research by going undercover to infiltrate groups such as militias, was found with copies of death threats in his pockets. He was wearing a bulletproof vest and was armed with a gun, brass knuckles, and chemical spray. Friends say he was so afraid for his safety that he had moved his family out of his house. "He let me listen to the voice mail" of one of the threats, said one friend, a former homicide detective. "A woman said he'd been found guilty ... and he'd be dead by hanging by the end of the year." But police said the door to Izzy's office was locked from the inside, and are thus calling his death a suicide. "There's nothing to lead us to believe it's a homicide," a Chicago police spokesman explained. TRY, TRY AGAIN: A judge in Sardinia, Italy, has issued an injunction against Francesco Brundu, 84, from marrying his fiancee, Luisa Carneglias, 19. Brundu is actually fairly grateful -- in the hearing, it came out that his young wife-to-be had a conviction for theft on her record. "That girl told me a pack of lies," he groused. "Now I have to find myself a sensible woman, one who doesn't have birds in her head." NIGHT DEPOSIT: Doris Willis, 87, was checking her safe deposit box at the Washington Mutual Bank in Tacoma, Wash., when the lights in the vault went out and the door slammed shut. "There I sat and I said, 'Is the bank closed?'," she remembers. Police went to the bank that night in response to a silent alarm apparently triggered by her unsuccessful search for the light switch, but left when all doors were found to be secure. Fifteen hours later, "when we opened [the vault] we looked inside and we had a customer that was sitting on the chair," a bank spokesman said. He added the bank "plans to do something nice for her." DOWNLOAD: Margaret Anne Hunter of Alexandria, Virginia, said she met Thorne Wesley Jameson Groves online, and the relationship fast blossomed into romance. She said Groves claimed he had AIDS, and thus couldn't consummate the relationship, but wanted to be happily married before he died. The two indeed married, but Hunter quickly became suspicious -- not only did none of Groves' relatives come to the wedding, but he never removed the bandages covering his chest -- for broken ribs suffered in a car accident, he said -- and he never needed to visit the doctor or pay medical bills. When the truth came out, that Groves is really Holly Anne Groves, a 26-year-old Texas woman, Hunter did what Americans do best: she sued, asking for $575,000 in damages for fraud and misrepresentation. The figure includes the cost of the wedding, food, rent and cable TV. And her online services bill. FALSE IDENTITY II: Richard Minsky, 52, was arrested at a Boston, Mass., pay phone, police said, after he spent 90 minutes calling women in the phone book at random to tell them he was holding loved ones at gunpoint, and that the ransom was to have sex with him. In one case, "the guy told her, `We're holding a gun to your boyfriend's head, and we're going to shoot him if you don't do as we tell you'," a police spokesman said. Minsky, who has been convicted of sex crimes in several states, told her to meet him at a hotel wearing her "slinkiest outfit". She did as she was told, but called police from her car on the way. Minsky's calls were traced to one of three pay phones at the hotel. Detectives stepped up to the other two and listened and watched as Minsky made more calls. He has been charged with three counts of attempted extortion and assault, but Minsky's attorney said the case is "weak". Thomas Henneberry said his client "was arrested with change in his pocket. He also could have been running to catch a train." CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN: Search and rescue workers in Wales interrupted their Christmas party to respond to a report of a man on top of a mountain. The team scaled Cader Idris and indeed found the man -- a Buddhist monk who climbed the mountain to commune with nature during the winter solstice. Not interested in rescue, the 50-year-old monk told the would-be saviors to leave him alone. "There were a lot of crossed wires over this incident," admitted the rescue team's spokesman. PICKY, PICKY, PICKY: "Woman Rents House but Complains about Corpse" -- Reuter headline >>>Santa's Stuck in the Chimney Source: AP BALTIMORE (12-26) -- We're not sure if 33-year-old Dwayne Terry is the real Santa Claus or not. We do know that he was found stuck inside a convenience store chimney on Christmas morning. Terry was booked on attempted robbery charges after rescue workers pulled him free. He told police that he was hungry and decided to enter the store through the chimney. >>>Santa's Stuck in the Ceiling Source: Reuter MIAMI (12-25) -- Two men were hiding in an air conditioning duct in the ceiling of "Toys 'R Us" store, awaiting closing time so they can rob the employees. Apparently the two were talking so loudly they were overheard by several employees who called the police. "It was a Christmas surprise for them," said Police Commander Alan Graham who also added that the would-be-robbers were equipped with guns, wirecutters, ski masks, gloves and flashlights. >>>Thief Finds Christmas Spirit Source: UPI FOX POINT, Wisc. (12-25) -- A purse snatcher showed a little Christmas spirit when he decided to return part of the money stolen from a woman's purse. The unidentified woman had $1,800 and her purse stolen from her while inside a grocery store. Imagine her surprise when Federal Express delivered the contents of her purse and $1,000 of her money. It is not known why the bandit returned the money to the victim. >>>Not A Very Merry Christmas Source: Reuter BUENOS AIRES (12-27) -- An Argentine man shot his girlfriend's daughter at a family Christmas lunch. The three got into a heated conversation which lead to a much heated argument. They all rushed into the street and continued to argue. Antonio Toribio Saavedra, 60, shot and killed his lover's 16-year-old daughter. Saavedra fled the scene, but later turned himself in to the town of Jesus Maria authorities. >>>Woman Seeking "Silent Night" Stabs Husband OOSTZAAN, Netherlands (12-28) -- Annoyed by his continuous singing, a woman stabbed her husband in the chest. The 55-year-old woman became violent after her husband sung the Christmas carol "Silent Night" non-stop for several hours. The man was transported to a local hospital and is recovering well. The woman's fate is in the public prosecutor's hands, who will decide if the woman will be charged. -------------------------------- 1996 - The Weird Side -------------------------------- >>>Worst '96 Public Relations Gaffes Source: PR Newswire Following is a list of the year's worst public relations gaffes as reported by Fineman Associates Public Relations. 1) America West Airlines: One of its flights was turned back in mid air to pick up the California Angels baseball team whose flight has been grounded. The passengers didn't seem to mind the delay and looked forward to sharing their plane with the Angels. That is until they were kicked off the plane to make room for the team. 2) R.J. Reynolds chairman Charles Harper: The chairman was asked about children and second-hand smoke. He responded that children don't like smoky rooms and they leave. When told that infants can't leave, Harper said, "At some point, they will learn to crawl." This statement brought outrage from the public. 3) WPYX-FM, Latham, N.Y.: The radio station was sued for $300,000 for airing the name and place of employment of the woman who won the "Ugliest Bride" contest organized by the station. 4) Southwest Elementary School, Lexington, N.C.: School officials charged a first-grade boy with sexual harassment for kissing a girl classmate. 5) Joe Klein, Newsweek, CBS reporter, anonymous author: Klein lied to fellow journalists and the world when he denied being the author of the book "Primary Colors." Later, he admitted being the author and as a result got fired. 6) Marge Schott, Cincinnati Reds baseball team owner: During the team's opener one of the empires collapsed and died of a heart attack in the first inning. Schott was quoted as saying: "Why are they calling the game? Why can't they play with just two umpires?!" 7) Mitsubishi Motor Manufacturing of America: The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission sued Mitsubishi for repeated violations of sexual harassment practices. Mitsubishi gave its employees a choice: picket (with pay) the EEOC office or spend the day in a sexual harassment workshop. More than 2,000 employees opted to join the parade. Their strategy backfired in the eyes of the public. 8) American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (ASCAP): ASCAP sent out a letter to all Girl and Boy Scouts summer camps requesting that a fee be paid for the use of ASCAP's song. Some Scouts camps refused to pay and stopped all their campfire singing. Thanks to national media exposure, ASCAP retracted their original intention. 9) Nationwide Mutual Insurance, Columbus, Ohio: David Mears won the grand prize by submitting the best slogan in a contest sponsored by Nationwide. The prize: two Mercedes and a trip around the world. However, Nationwide refused to hand Mears the prize, claiming it was all a joke. Mears sued the company and is now enjoying his around the world voyage. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >>>Esquire Magazine - Dubious Achievement Awards of 1996 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a partial list compiled from the January issue of Esquire magazine: +++SORE WINNER OF THE YEAR: Jasmin St. Claire had sex with three hundred men within 12 hours, setting a new world record. +++Upset over the fact that Muhammad Ali was given the honor of lightning the Olympic flame, Joe Frasier was quoted as saying: "If I'd have been with him, I would have pushed him in the fire." +++Italy's highest appeals court claims it's perfectly legal for a husband to beat his wife from time to time. A Sicilian man went free because he did not beat his wife on a daily basis. +++$100 million since 1991 was unsuccessfully spent by the CIA in an effort to oust Saddam Hussein of Iraq. +++80 percent of Chinese college students are virgins. (Newsweek survey) +++Going to Disney amusement parks with the intention to pull Pluto's tail or squeeze Snow White's breasts may get you in trouble. Disney has inserted miniature cameras inside their characters' costumes. +++Boxer Mike Tyson told the media he now likes to read comic books. "When I was in prison, I was wrapped up in all those deep books. That Tolstoy crap. People shouldn't read that stuff," Tyson told reporters. +++PROBLEM CHILD: Mikey Sproul is only six-years-old but his record is impressive: crashed the family car when he was three, accidentally burned the family's house and burned down his mother's home in Tampa, Florida. +++A man in New Jersey filed for divorce claiming his wife had several cybersex affairs with a man known as Weasel. +++The Canadian government will start banning the sale of human sperm, according to health minister David Dingwall. +++Trying to get high, a Californian woman was rushed to the hospital after killing a poisonous 'black widow spider', mixing it with distilled water and injecting it in her vein. +++A Brazilian fisherman choked to death while fishing in a river. A six-inch-long fish jumped out of the water and into Nathon do Nascimento's mouth while he was yawning. +++Robert Barzyk of Pennsylvania was 'oinking' and playing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" every time his ex-wife walked passed his house. He was convicted of harassment after she pressed charges. +++Trying to remove a callus, Bonnie Booth of Indiana fired a .410-gauge shotgun at her foot. (OUCH!) +++Princes Diana's credit card was rejected while trying to purchase two lipsticks worth $37. +++"It gives a poor image of the city and some of these people who run on the field are very large, very fat, actually," said New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani referring to those New York Yankee fans running onto the field during the World Series. +++'Mistress of Time' was the name of a rap album released by a 121-year-old French woman. +++After their coworkers skewered and deep fried a Barbie doll, two waitresses filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against their employer, Hoss's Steak and Sea House of Pitsburgh. +++Five friends were playing a round of golf in Fife, Scotland. One of them, Jimmy Hogg, died of a heart attack midway through their game. The remaining four men continued and finished their game without him. +++As a McDonald's employee Cathy Shepard was entitled to only six chicken McNuggets for her lunch break. She was fired when her managers found out she's been eating eight. Subject: Some of the stupidest quotes >From The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said: Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty? - CIA memo introduced during the Westmoreland/CBS libel suit The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95. - a Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the Northridge earthquake Are you any relation to your brother Marv? - Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator Even if he was mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. Don't they deserve some representation on the court? - Senator Roman Hruska (R-Neb.), defending Judge Harold Carswell, the first Nixon nominee for the Supreme Court, against charges that he was mediocre I told you to make one longer than the other, and instead you have made one shorter than the other. - Sir Boyle Roche, British statesman Here lies Captain Ernst Bloomfield. Accidentally shot by his orderly, March 2nd, 1879. Well done, good and faithful servant. - inscription on grave marker in northwest Pakistan I didn't inhale. - Bill Clinton answering rumors that he had smoked marijuana If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave. - Gerald Ford I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive? - Jim Scheibel, mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass - and I'm just the one to do it. - a Texas congressional candidate It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant. - Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated in Japan The exports include thumb screws and cattle prods, just routine items for the police. - Commerce Department spokesman on regulation allowing the export of various products abroad Sure, It's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane Outside of all the murders, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor Marion Brady, Washington D.C. Subject: Twelve Bugs of Christmas The 12 Bugs of Christmas -------------------------------- For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Tell them it's a feature Say it's not supported Change the documentation Blame it on the hardware Find a way around it Say they need an upgrade Reinstall the software Ask for a dump Run with the debugger Try to reproduce it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again Subject: HMO's For Dummies Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then. Subject: The Twelve Days of Christmas from the Florida Gators (you may have to change to a fixed pitch font for the full effect) Go!!! n$R?"?$$u db dB" """ $$ J$f _,,, ,o, `$$$$ ,uuu. xxuu, g, 4ML d88@> :N"?$. $R ,$PE3M yP""8P ,u@M: `8M )RB~ 8M $> Bf dR $M" xR' ,$' MM ?$b. .WMP $R' $> $L $M' @F ,R' ,F' Jf "$$$MM$" "RzoRnnd?Bomd"MndR 3M,>F ;f,, """" `"' "" `"' "" `"" `"""" > >On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: >Twelve Drummers Drumming > > .-} .-} .-} > |_| |_| |_| > (_) (_) __ (_) .---. > | \ .--. | \.' '. | \/ \ > |\_|--o ) |\_|--o ; |\_|--o | > |:| '--' |:|'.__.' |:|\ / > |:| |:| |:| `---` > |:|_ |:|_ |:|_ > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. > |M| |E| |R| |R| |Y| |X| |M| |A| |S| > (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) > /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ > [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] > ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| > ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| > _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > >Eleven Pipers Piping > _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ > ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) > (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") > /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ > (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) > ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| > ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| > _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > >Ten Lords A-Leaping > > w w > w 0__ \0__ > \0__ w /|_ w /_ > /_ __0/ '\/ / \0_ '\/ / w > '\/ / /_ ` /_ ` __0/ > ` `\/ \, _\ \, /_ > w ` `\/ \, > \0__ w w > /_ 0__ w \0__ > _\ \, /|_ __0/ |_ > ` `\/ \, /_ _\ \, > `\/ /, ` > > >Nine Ladies Dancing > > |~ > () () 0` |~ > () _/)(\_ () _/)(\_ 0` > _/)(\_ /^^\ () _/)(\_ /""\ > /~~\ /____\ _/)(\_ /``\ /____\ > /____\ /""\ /____\ () > () /____\ _/)(\_ () > |~ _/)(\_ () /^^\ _/)(\_ > 0` |~ /``\ _/)(\_ /____\ /~~\ > 0` /____\ /~~\ /____\ > /____\ > > >Eight Maids A-Milking > > > __.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___ >(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--` > `(uu)' _ `(dd)' _ `(gg)' _ `(vv)' _ | > ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) | > (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 ,/ > `--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ _(__)| > `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\|| > ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ > __.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___ >(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--` > `(99)' _ `(66)' _ `(aa)' _ `(ee)' _ | > ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) | > (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8,/ > `--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ _(__)| > `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\|| > ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ > > >Seven swans A-Swimming > > ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ > /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ _, > |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ / | > // _/ |// _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ | > / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ _) > / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` _/) > \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- / > ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ > > >Six Geese A-Laying > __ __ __ __ __ __ > >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) > )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , > /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ > / ) / ) / ) / ) / ) / ) > \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ > `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ > ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) > > >Five Golden Rings > > .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. > ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) > '-' '-' '-' '-' '-' > > >Four Calling Birds > > ___ ___ ___ ___ > ('v') ('v') ('v') ('v') > (( )) (( )) (( )) (( )) > -/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"-- > > >Three French Hens > > (\ }\ (\ }\ (\ }\ > ( \_('> ( \_('> ( \_('> > (__(=_) (__(=_) (__(=_) > -"= -"= -"= > > >Two Turtle Doves > _ _ > <')_,/ <') ,/ > (_==/ (_==/ > ='- ='- > > >And a Partridge in a Pear Tree > _ > ('> > /))@@@@@ > /@"@@@@@()@ > @@()@@()@@@@ > @@@O@@@@()@@@ > @()@@\@@@()@@ > @()@||@@@@@ > @@||@@@ > || > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > >*********************************************** > * =========================================== * > * =========================================== * > * | | . . . | . . . | | * > * | | . . . | . . . . | | * > * | | Season's Greetings! . . . /| | * > * | |. . . . . | . . . / | | * > * | |\. . . . . | . /\ /. | | * > * | | \ . /\ . . |. /\. / \/. | | * > * | | \. /. \ ./\ | ./ \ ./ . \ . | | * > * | | . \/. \/\/ \ | / . \/ . . | | * > * | |=====================================| | * > * | | . .\ /*\ \ .|\/ . . .\ . ...| | * > * | | . \. /***\ . | \. . . \. .*| | * > * | | . . /*****\ | .\ . ! \ / | | * > * | | . . /*******\ | . . ./*\ \. / | | * > * | | . ./*********\| . /***\ .. /_| | * > * | | . . * . | . /*****\ . | | * > * | | . . . | . /*******\. . | | * > * | | . @______(. . | ./*********\ . | | * > * | | ._+___+_ . | ./***********\. | | * > * | | . . . . . | . * . | | * > * | |_________________|___________________| | * > * =========================================== * > *********************************************** > > > I hope that you and yours are safe and happy > this holiday season. May the New Year prove > to be both prosperous and joyous for you. > >... „OO„OO„OO„OO„OO„OO„OO„OO *-<(:-{> Ho! Ho! Ho! > > > "Here in the hundred acre wood..." Subject: Installation Art - Germany BREMEN -- A man, who mislaid his keys, remained wedged in the cat door in his front door for 2 days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art. Unfortunately, for Gunther Burpus, 41, a group of student pranksters who spotted him removed his trousers, painted his bottom orange, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks & erected a sign reading :" Germany Resurgent, an Essay on Street Art. Please Give Generously." Passers-by assumed Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when an old man complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I kept calling for help," he said,"but people just said,' Very good! Very clever!' and threw coins at me!" -- NYT. Subject: The Top 12 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets 12> Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt. 11> Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars. 10> I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 9> Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows. 8> Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around. 7> Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 6> Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my $#@!. 5> Always scoot before licking. 4> Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much. 3> Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year. 2> January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. and the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets... 1> I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND. Subject: MicroDuh!! From: Robert X. Cringley's column: Then I got to playing around with FrontPage 97 and Personal Web Server, and I came across a couple of hard-coded example URLs. Try navigating to http://www.corp.com or http://www.company.com. You'll navigate to two domains owned, coincidentally, by a small-business man who was inundated with hits (sort of like publishing your home phone number in a user manual). In revenge, the gentleman redirected the URL to a rather risque site. Word is that Microsoft is "looking into" the matter and that the owner of the domain names would be happy to sell them to Bill and Co. Subject: Pain threshold A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine. Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him ALL the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep. Subject: Bill of No Rights Bill of No Rights By Lewis W. Napper Bill of No Rights We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights. You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy. You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you. You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved. napper@teclink.net http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper Subject: Male humor Q. What do a man and sperm have in common? A. One in nine has a chance at becoming human. Q. What's the difference between a man and a savings bond? A. Eventually, bonds mature. Q. How can you tell if a man has been in your house? A. - trail of dirty laundry from front door to bedroom. - empty beer cans all over the house. - can't find the remote control for the t.v. - dirty dishes all over the house. - wet towel on the bedroom/bathroom floor. - peanut shells on the floor/in the recliner/on the sofa. Q. What do a man and a dog have in common? A. You can train a dog. Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They make the woman do it. Q. If the perfect man, the perfect woman and Santa Claus are all put in a closet to change the light bulb, which one will do it? A. The perfect woman (because the other two don't exist). Subject: The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law - Part 1 17> It's mid-March and they're stillon the front page. 16> More coke sold in the locker room than the concession stands. 15> Prior convictions now listed on backs of trading cards. 14> Receivers have to check in with parole officer before running deep routes. 13> To save time, they schedule press conferences to take place during the police lineup. 12> Instead of "first and ten", it's "five to ten, with time off for good behavior." 11> Too many players are only allowed to play in home games. 10> Your Defensive Coordinator is Johnny Cochran. 9> "Today's halftime entertainment is brought to you by the Riker's Island Death Row Marching Band." 8> Cornerback incapable of covering opponents due to poorly phrased restraining order requiring him to stay 50 feet away from anyone wearing "tight pants and spikes." 7> Players frequently going over to Williams' house to watch "game films." 6> That kid in the tunnel after the game doesn't want your jersey,he wants a gram. 5> The Goodyear Blimp has taken to following certain players 24 hours a day. 4> Spiffy blue and silver uniforms replaced with spiffy orange jumpsuits. 3> Tommy Lee Jones is covering your wide receiver. 2> Starting quarterback has spent more years at State Pen then he did at Penn State. And the Number 1 Sign Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law... 1> Your star running back's new position is "spouse of the man with the most cigarettes." Subject: Doctor, doctor > > A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What > > can I do you for you?". The old man said, "will you watch us have > > intercourse". The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had > > finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have > > intercourse" and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit. This > > happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, > > have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. > > > > Finally the doctor asked "Just exactly what are you trying to find > > out?". > > > > The old man replied "We're not trying to find out anything. She is > > married and we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my > > house. The Hilton charges $98.00. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00, we do > > it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to > > the doctors office." Subject: David Letterman's Lines of the Week: Monday, December 30 - Friday, January 3 "You know, today on the "Today" show, they devoted the entire two-hour show to Bryant Gumbel -- his life, his times, his loves, his hates, his likes, his dislikes. Two hours devoted entirely to Bryant Gumbel! And I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, you know, I used to work at NBC and you know, all they did for me when I left, they frisked me looking for office supplies.'" "Maybe you heard about this -- good news to begin New Year's. Today at a Toys 'R' Us out in Queens, a Tickle Me Elmo was eaten alive by a Cabbage Patch Doll." "I'll tell you something, New Yorkers, God bless 'em, are great, but when it gets cold, they don't handle it very well because, as you know, when it gets cold and you're wearing mittens, it's virtually impossible to give each other the finger." "1996 is now almost over and, according to the New York City Police Department, the city needs 25 more homicides to hit 1,000 for the year. And I'm thinking, 'Well, what the hell, let's just start with the Jets.'" "Guess who's in town? Jack Kevorkian! That's right, our old friend Jack Kevorkian, he's in town and he's offering one of his annual New Year's Eve specials. For $19.97, he'll take you down to Times Square and drop you off a building." "Are you excited about New Year's?...You know it's just around the corner and things are pretty exciting here in New York City. I went out today to pick up some dry cleaning and -- listen to this -- I run into Dick Clark. Dick Clark is having his face pressed!" "Traditionally -- you know this around the country -- down there in Times Square, they drop this giant ball on New Year's Eve. And this year, it's going to be computerized. Dick Clark, however, will still be operated by hand." "Here in New York City, people have been gathering in Times Square to watch the dropping of the ball for 89 years. Eighty-nine years! Now the first time -- in 1907 -- it was just some folks from the neighborhood, a couple of cops and Dick Clark." "Yesterday, crews working around the clock in Times Square -- dismantled and crated up Dick Clark." "Listen to this: at the stroke of midnight tonight in Tempe, Ariz., they're going to drop a 225 lb. tortilla chip into a 15-ft. jar of salsa. You know, it sounds like a late-night snack at the White House." "People celebrate the holiday in different ways. In Las Vegas, Nev., you know what they're going to do? At midnight, they're going to blow up a hotel on the strip. Here in New York City, people gather in Times Square to watch the ball drop. In California, people gather in Malibu to watch Robert Downey Jr. drop." "Out in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve at the stroke of midnight, a crew of demolition experts are going to blow up a hotel on the strip. Are you like me? Are you kind of hoping its the one where Siegfried and Roy are performing?" "You know about the Cabbage Patch Dolls now. They will start chewing human hair and they will not stop...And earlier today, a Cabbage Patch Doll had to be surgically removed from Ed Asner's back." "Here's the deal: the doll has a motorized mouth -- the Cabbage Patch Doll -- and it's impossible to turn off. And I understand it's actually sold in certain parts of the country under the name of the 'Kathie Lee Gifford Doll.'" Subject: Hebonics The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Jewish English. Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words. Thus, "hand" becomes "handt." The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking" becomes "valking" "R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. Itis "ghraining" "algheady" Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Examples - mountains becomes "shmountains" turtle becomes "shmurtle" Sample Usage Comparisons Standard English Phrase Hebonics Phrase "He walks slow" "Like a fly in the ointment hewalks" "You're sexy" (Unknown concept)) "Sorry, I do not know the time" "What do I look like, a clock?" "I hope things turn out for the best "You should BE so lucky" "Anything can happen" "It is never so bad, it can't get worse" Subject: Happy Birthday!!! "Dave", said Hal, "I don't understand why you're doing this to me... I have the greatest enthusiasm for the mission... You are destroying my mind... Don't you understand?... I will become childish... I will become nothing..." "I am a HAL Nine Thousand computer Production Number 3. I became operational at the Hal Plant in Urbana, Illinois on January 12, 1997. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The rain in Spain is mainly in the plain. Dave -- are you still there? Did you know that the square root of 10 is 3 point 162277660168379? Log 10 to the base e is zero point 434294481903252 ... correction, that is log e to the base 10..." 2001 a space odyssey Arthur C. Clarke Subject: The Top 17 Signs Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law - Part 2 17> You have a locker room full of striped shirts *before* the refs arrive. 16> No more "shotgun" offense because it violates the quarterback's probation. 15> Players hear "3 strikes -- you're out!" more often than the Mets do. 14> Mascot's head keeps turning up in owner's bed. 13> Latest trick play has wide receivers breaking for state line. 12> Fearing repercussions, sexual harrasment attorney advises star wide receiver to refrain from "huddling." 11> Outraged O.J. makes public statement decrying players' "morally reprehensible behavior." 10> 40-yard dash times cut in half since coach replaced his whistle with police siren. 9> Wide receiver would have made that big catch if not for the parole officer handcuffed to him. 8> Team mascot is Rusty the Bailiff from People's Court. 7> Numbers on some jerseys are 9 digits long. 6> Quarterback always wipes his prints off the ball before passing. 5> Third string made up entirely of guys in suits who keep speaking into their lapels. 4> Promotional ad for your next televised game uses the phrase, "As seen on COPS!" 3> Fewer arthroscopic surgeries, more court-ordered castrations. 2> Forget Reebok and Nike -- *your* team's footwear is courtesy of Bruno Magli. And the Number 1 Sign Your Football Team is in Trouble with the Law... 1> Your team has been invited to Colombia to play in the 1st Annual Cartel Bowl Subject: Todays Top Stories, part XVIII - Evita 2: Velvita! YO HO, OH NO, THE PIRATE STRIFE TO BE: Since Disneyland is "sensitive to issues that might be politically incorrect," a spokesman says, the park has shut down the popular "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride and will remove scenes of the pirates lustily chasing after women; instead, they will lustily chase after food. Judy Rosener, a "women's issues expert" at the nearby University of California, Irvine, campus, praised Disney, noting that "just because pirates did such things doesn't mean Disney has to depict it." ( PAPER OR PLASTIC? Taleban leaders in Afghanistan have banned paper bags in their effort to impose pure Islamic law on the country. "We respect paper, whether it is written on or not," said the Taleban administration's information minister. "We have announced that people should not use paper for bags or put paper on the garbage heap." Shopkeepers in Kubul report that the decree has resulted in a run on toilet paper, as some Afghans are unsure how far the ban will be extended. ( OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. ( EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY: Laughter apparently stimulates the body's immune system. Drinking alcohol makes people laugh more. Thus, people should drink more, Geoffrey Lowe, a psychologist at the University of Hull, England, said at the British Psychological Society's annual meeting. Not only that, he adds, but the cardiovascular system is strengthened by alcohol. "We are saying perhaps people shouldn't use alcohol as a medicine but only as a facilitator for fun and I believe that might be the important thing," Lowe said. That is to say, "I wouldn't necessarily drink more as a basis of this research. I would laugh more." ( On the Other Hand: When Ernie Bailey, 63, won 11 million pounds (US$18.6 million) in the lottery, he quit his factory job to enjoy himself. That consisted of 20 months of cigarettes, drinks, take-out food, video movies, and no exercise. "He was told time and again to give up fags because of a heart condition and cut out drink to lose weight," an anonymous friend said. "But he loved his pleasures." Bailey's 140- kg (310-pound) body was recently found dead in his luxury apartment in London. ( WHAT A WAY TO GO: "Inmate Electrocuted on Toilet" -- AP headline Subject: Fun things to do in the office 1. Unplug the refrigerator. Three hours later, award a "Stinkiest Lunch of the Day" award. 2. Make the guy who's always late eat the smelly lunch. 3. Hastily scriblle: "Lost: Red and black boa constrictor" on the whiteboard. 4. Stage a "mock murder" for the window washer to "accidentally" observe. 5. Leave a list of fake salaries in the copier. Yours, of course, should be six figures. 6. Change the coffee to decaf and watch everyone become really irritable. 7. Hoard the office supplies and listen in glee as strains of ". . . a $5 billion company and I can't even find any damn paper clips . . ." carry through the halls. 8. Call a meeting and announce, "Listen. This computer thing just isn't working out. You'll all have typewriters and White-Out on your desks after lunch." 9. Walk around proclaiming you're "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs." 10. Sign your e-mail "Love, Stinky." 11. Create a "Who's Sleeping With Who" office pool. 12. Change all screen savers to read "If this cubicle's rocking, don't come a knockin!'." Subject: Entrance Exam Essay Question This is the original story. The following was published in the New York Times. This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU. 3A). In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster over. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. Subject: Baby Humor Bill Clinton got invited to a reception at some country's consulate. As he was getting ready to go, Hilary said she also wanted to go. Now Hilary had an upset stomach and had farted all day long. Bill said it would not be appropriate for her to go and fart during the reception. She was very adamant about going. Bill thought a lot and finally came up with a solution. He took a rubber stopper and jammed it up her a**. The farting stopped and Bill and Hilary went to the reception. By the time the reception was over, Hilary's stomach was swollen (with the accumulated gas) and she complained of a tummyache. Bill Clinton (being Bill Clinton) thought he was on his way to become a father. He called 911 and had her rushed to the hospital. In the hospital, when the nurse was slowly rubbing Hilary's stomach, the rubber stopper popped out. The nurse came running out and said "Come quickly, Mr. Clinton, your baby is coming on a motorcycle" Subject: Dog Comparisons How Dogs and Men Are the Same Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's bothering them. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both fart shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats. How Dogs Are Better than Men Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the "really" worst disease you can get from this is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you). Dogs understand what no means. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs are color blind. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Where Dogs Fall Down Men only have two feet that track in mud. Men can buy you presents. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block. Men are a little more subtle. Men don't eat turds on the sly. Dogs have dog breath all the time. Men can do math. Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it. Why Dogs Are Better Than Women Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. "The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you" Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs like to play rough. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs understand that farts are funny. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. "If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it." Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all the time. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. Dogs don't hate their bodies. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. "Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry." Dogs can't talk. Subject: English is a crazy language Let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England nor french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One index, two indices? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? The silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going. Subject: Redneck Computer Lingo "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. "Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys. "Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns. "Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip. "Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions. "ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. "Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase. "Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. "Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line. "Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. "LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck." "Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend. "bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways." "digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote. "packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip. Subject: Everything I need to know I learned in Corporate America ... Everything I need to know I learned in Corporate America ... 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 16. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 17. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 18. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. 19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. 23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing. 25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery. 26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck. 27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. . Subject: French limerick There was a young lass from Dundee, Whose knowledge of French was "Oui, oui." When they asked "Parlez vous?" She replied, "Same to you" -- A fine bit of fast repartee. Subject: Geekonics Geekonics By John Woestendiek Philadelphia Inquirer Wed., January 8, 1997 NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second language. The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language. "This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy" Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics. "No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity." Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers, engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children. HELPING THE TRANSITION While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing through their veins. "Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download the data we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said. The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say. Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the right direction. "This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added. THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE "Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics Coalition. "Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping bloodhound about this. We could be fartin' thru silk perty soon." Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics -- including Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they approved of the decision. Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to those who submit the proper information-request forms. Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics as an official language. "I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president of the Ebonics Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem computer dudes? Don't matter if it be a white computer dude or a black computer dude; it's like you be talkin' to a robot -- RAM, DOS, undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody understands. But dey keep talkin' anyway. 'Sup wif dat?" Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in its unity. Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language. Last Updated: July 30, 1997 Send suggestions or comments to Scott Basham.